Quick! Your Time is Running Out!

I used to belong to a social media group before Facebook ever existed.  In order to be a member of this community you paid a small sum of money and had to have some sort of body modification (tattoo, piercings, etc).  However, the type of group is moot, the reason I bring it up is because it had a pretty interesting feature on it that showed who had been looking at your page and how often.  It made cyber stalking that much more difficult, which I both loved and hated at the same time.  I loved it because I could tell who kept coming back to check out my page (and because of this I ended up meeting new people who I still keep in touch with today), but I hated it as well because I love cyber stalking and didn't want people I didn't know to know I browsed through their entire page (yes what's good for the goose is not good for the gander).  Cyber stalking has combined my two favourite things:  people watching and sleeping (laying in bed rather...thank goodness for laptops).   So now the rumour mill is churning and they say that Mr. Zuckerberg is thinking about adding a feature like this to Facebook in the near future.  So my suggestion to you is to take this opportunity while the anonymity is still there and stalk as much as you can now.  I've tried to come up with a list of the most "important" people to check out before it's too late.  Here goes, they aren't in any particular order.

1.  Your frenemies.  Remember that friend who always made you feel shitty about yourself?  Don't lie, we've all had them.  They judged us or came up with things about us to constantly critique.  They put us down, they always suggested that they were better than us and would be more successful than us, blah, blah, blah.  Well go sneak a peak and see if their predictions were right.   Did they actually end up with the richer, hotter  spouse?  Are their kids cute enough to model for Gap or Gerber?  Did they end up with a better job than you?  Odds are, not likely.  And it's an added bonus if you've aged way better.  It's a comforting feeling to find out the tables have turned even if they never know it's happened (but you can bet your bottom dollar that they've stalked your page once or twice as well).  It's good to know your life has turned out better in some cases.  But on the off chance that they've come out far better then quickly leave the page, do not pass go and block them immediately (no one needs constant reminders). 

2.  You ex.  I mean that's a pretty obvious one isn't it?  Don't even try to pretend that you haven't already done this.  Sometimes it's good for the ego to pop on over to see them now to help reassure yourself that the break up was the best thing that could have ever happened to you.  Find satisfaction in their lame status updates that no one cares about or that they aren't aging as well as you.  But, on the flip side if they are doing well for themselves and looking amazing take comfort in knowing that you were all over that yourself at one point! 

3.  Your old school bully.   Turns out there is some truth to the theory that all bullies come from an unloving home and have deep rooted issues to contend with.  So statistics say that if that's the case they're likely going to turn out two ways:  They have either given in completely and gotten married and had kids (probably bully them too), ended up fat, stuck in a job they hate and drinking away their failures OR they are super arrogant, asshole, adult bullies who have too many opinions and waste their days away making sure everyone hears them.  They probably work in a position where they can spend their daylight hours pushing around the people weaker than them and their nightlife dropping shwarmy pick up lines and committing date rape.    Don't be surprised to see bullying and ignorant status updates because most often, things just don't change.  I'm pretty certain you'll never leave these pages wishing, "Why oh why wouldn't they just be my friend." and if you do, then maybe you, yourself, have some deep rooted issues to contend with. 

4.  Your high school crush.   Remember that kid who just never knew you existed?  The one you thought about while falling asleep and then thought about as soon as you woke up, but you were too afraid to talk to them?  Ya, go check out that one!  With any luck they are hotter than you remember and you get to fill up on some eye candy.  If they are single, you can resume your place of swooning over them like no time has passed.  But, if they're just gross then be glad you never wasted your time with them.  Sometimes things happen for a reason.

5.  Famous or attractive friends of friends.  Come on we all know that our friends have friends that aren't friends with us.  Some of them are crazy hot and some are even famous!  Go on, stalk away.  Take a few moments to envision what it would be like to be part of their worlds.  Picture what it might be like to live their life.  We all know the grass is always greener on the other side, right?  Riiiiiight.  So for 10 minutes live in the fantasy.  Enjoy it without being that random creepy guy who keeps looking at their photos.  Your time is running out.

So those are some of the peeps I like to check out when I have some spare time.  Have I missed a great stalking opportunity?  Leave it in my comments so I can waste away my lunch hour with new prospects.  Happy anonymous cyber stalking!!