Sunday, August 28, 2011

Girlies part deux!

So here's a more recent picture of my new tattoo.  Maybe one more sitting til it's done!! Then on to another idea I'm sharing with Lesley!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Carousal of Life

A couple of months ago my mom's two aunt's inquired about planting a tree in memory of my dad instead of doing a donation.  After some discussion we decided to have a tree planted in the park beside the old carousal in Port Dalhousie.  We've all been there with my dad at some point and the park and beach will be there forever so there is no risk of the tree being cut down in the future. 

My aunt's selected a Little Leaf Linden and it was finally planted a couple of weeks ago.  Mom, Geoff, Dawn and I headed over to spend a few quiet minutes together and then we went for lunch, just the four of us. 

We are all still struggling along.  His death has left us with a huge void and feelings we don't really know how to address.  But the simplicity of a tree, to me anyway, is magnificent.  It's just a tree, and I know it's not him and he's not likely to be hanging around it, but for some reason I find comfort knowing it's there.  We haven't buried my dad's ashes yet.  My mother is comforted by having him with her at home.  So aside from the tree (or my mom's house - where I think it would be awkward to just show up to and ask for some private time with his ashes so I could talk to him) I don't have a place yet where I can just go and sit and talk to him, even if I just talk in my head.  So for the next while, until a decision is made on whether or not we're burying him, I'll pick the tree as our meeting place. 


Having friends who are talented enough to be tattoo artists is a wonderful perk in life.  Especially if you like tattoos.  I've gotten three new tattoos this year alone and I still have two other ideas I want completed that are front and centre in my mind.  I'm starting to run out of hidable body parts though. 

Here is my latest.  Since this picture was taken I've had cherry blossoms and some colouring added but I still have one sitting left, I suspect, until it's completely done. 

It's a rendering done by the talented Esther Sanchez of Margaret, Jodi and myself.  We've been planning this tattoo for a couple of years now and I'm very excited to actually be almost finished.  Both Margaret and Jodi plan to get the same tattoo for themselves as well. 

That's me on the left, Margie in the middle on Jodi on the right!


Sometimes I'm just not the best girlfriend in the world.  I know this.  I know my shortcomings.  And he still loves me. 

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Sailing Away

So when I made my list up of things I wanted to do this summer I added garage sailing with Margaret to my list.  More so to spend more time with Margie as I was really and anti-garage sale person.  I went out with Margaret and her mom the first time in July and continued to do so for a few weekends following the initial outing.  I have actually found some really, truly, sweet scores on my adventures.  I should have taken pictures of every garage sale find I have (and maybe I still will)...

The past few weekends I haven't made it to Welland but I did try to go garage sailing one weekend with Roan.  Eric decided to join us.  I scored a couple sweet things for my nephew Sebastian and then Roan proceeded to barf all over himself.  So after making him sit in his puke (he volunteered, I'm not that terrible of a mom) while I hit a couple more sales enroute home we cut the morning short.

BUT, let me tell you about this morning's trip!  It's the absolute best one yet.  And it was totally spontaneous.  We've had my friend Tess here for the weekend with her three boys.  We decided since the boys wake up super early anyway we might as well hit this garage sale we saw advertised earlier in the day.  It was promising to be BIG.

Her one son Hank did not want to go with us.  He wanted to go to Walmart and buy a HALO toy.  I said maybe they'll have HALO toys at a garage sale (knowing I've yet to come across one in my travels) and he said not likely.  I did agree and say he's probably right, but you just never know....

So the first sale we hit I stumble across a sweet wooden antique sled/toboggan that would be lovely for our nephew Felix (and when he's done with it and they give it back to me it will make an awesome planter box), and an amazing wooden naked woman nut cracker for Eric.  I walk over the the neighbours as they too had a sale on and immediately spot a HALO toy (not even out of the box!).  I call Hank over and he's crazy stoked.  Then I notice they have a BBQ marked Free at their sale and inquire if it works as mine just shit the bed three days ago.  It does and I lay claim to it.  We then move on to another sale and Roan walks away with three light sabres and I spot a four drawer filing cabinet that would be perfect for work for $5.00.  I call work and make arrangements for them to come retrieve it and carry on our way.

We got the BBQ hooked up and my broken one out to the curb.  Came home from a day playing tourist to find my old one gone from my lawn and sparked up the 'new' one and it works like a charm.  Much better than my old one ever did!!! 

I'm so crazy excited about my finds today.  Less than $20. spent on everything.  Can't beat that!!!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

All over emotions...

When my dad died I asked myself, and was asked by others if I thought I could continue doing what I do for a living or if it would make me mental.  I decided - 1. My experience would make me better at what I currently do, as I will now truly understand what someone is going through, and 2. My dad would be very disappointed in me if I used his death as an excuse to give up a career I still very much loved.  So I'm still here and I was has made me a better person and funeral director. 

Eric pointed out to me a while ago that I was subconsciously pushing my emotions to the back of my mind during the week, and when my emotions overwhelm me it tends to happen on the weekends when I'm not at work.  I think I'm doing what I need to do to survive my work week. 

My dad is always front and centre in my mind when I'm alone.  Be it in my car, just falling asleep, anywhere when I am alone with my thoughts.  I used to dwell on stuff I had no control over or think about inane things when I had this private time, but since April 9th, he is who I think of when it's just me (and him). 

Anyway, this past couple of weeks I've been feeling lousy physically and kind of melancholy.  I had the last week of July off and the boys were with Rob so it was just Eric and I.  We had no real plans and basically just hung around the house.  I read a lot, we played Cribbage, we just chilled.  I was feeling blaise over all.  I couldn't put my finger on what it was but I suspect it was just a lousy week emotionally for me.  I had nothing major to occupy my time and thoughts, so I often found myself thinking about him.  And thinking about him makes me both want to smile and very sad at the same time. 

Eric wants me to go see my doctor about feeling physically ill, but I secretly (though not so much anymore) wonder if my physical ailments aren't a direct cause of my emotional ailments.  (Saying that out loud to anyone would make them want me to talk about my feelings though.  I don't do that so well...)  I don't 'feel' depressed though...but perhaps I've just pushed my feelings so far to the bottom that they are manifesting themselves through my physical being. I don't know. 

Four days after my dad was diagnosed, a woman walked into the funeral home to do her pre-arrangement.  She had been diagnosed with same thing my dad had earlier that morning and she too was given a grave prognosis.  She was the first person I had dealings with, at work, following the blow our family had been dealt and since she too was going through the exact same thing as my own father it was a difficult arrangement and I cried a lot after she left.  She has stuck with me in my mind.  I have spoken to her husband on a couple of occasions following our initial meeting so I have been aware of the steps she has taken and I kind of know where she's currently at in her fight with the big C.  On Friday, she randomly popped into my head and I wondered how she was making out.  I wondered how she was doing mentally, I wondered how her kids took the news, I wondered how her husband was coping.  I smiled and hoped she was doing ok as it's been 4 months since I met her and I still haven't received the call, so that's good news! 

On Saturday a co-worker texted me to tell me she died, early in the morning.  I have never in my 14 years been so affected by the death of a 'stranger'.  My physical ailments seemed to get mood remained blah.  I met her daughter on Monday at the funeral home and started crying in the hallway while I was talking to her.  I have never done that before.  Yesterday was the four month anniversary of my dad's passing.  Today I buried this woman.  I stood at her grave and I wept.  I wept for her.  I wept for her husband. I wept for her daughters.  I wept for her grandchildren.  I wept for my dad. I wept for me. 

I'm not feeling any peace right now. 

I think about this woman and the horrible things she went through physically and emotionally since I met her in April.  And I wonder...  Was my dad better off?  Was he the lucky one for only getting 12 days?  Were we lucky for not having to watch him suffer any longer than he did?  Or was she the lucky one?  Lucky because she had the time to write all of her family individual letters letting them know how important each of them was to her?  Lucky because they all got to go to Disneyworld together for one last family vacation?  Lucky because last week she got to take her grandchildren to the drive-in to see Cars 2 and the Smurfs movie?  Lucky because she suffered in pain for four extra months physically?  Lucky because she fought her mind for four months longer?  Lucky because of what the cancer did physically to her body?  

I don't know that answer. I do know this. I'm jealous and that makes me selfish.  I'm jealous her husband, daughters and grandsons each have one last letter.  I was jealous looking at their family photos from Disneyworld.  But I was grateful that my father didn't go through the physical changes that she went through.  I'm so grateful that my father looked like my father.  For my sake, but more importantly for my children's sake. 

I am a ball of emotions and today was a rough day for me.  I wasn't able to separate work life and home life today.  Today I was weak.  Today I was human.  Today I was a daughter who has lost her dad.  All over again.