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Hello again.  I'd love to say I'm back, making a concerted effort to maintain my blog but I don't like false promises.  So let's just see what becomes of all of this. 

I've been struggling to find anything substantial to write about, so I just don't bother to come around these parts too often.  But I started this blog to act as a diary of sorts so, I guess I don't really need anything too specific to talk about.

That being said, my exasperation shock dumbfoundedness (that's not a word but it should be) brought me back.  There's a long, drawn out, stupid story that's been unravelling around me that has gotten to the point of irritating the shit out of me.  And so here I am.  To find my thoughts or feelings on it.  It's not my story.  And you have no idea how utterly and eternally grateful I am that it's not my story.  But it's a story that affects two of the most important people in my life.  So if affects me. 

Following my marital break up in 2002 I have often wondered how long I'd be subjected to the actions (or inactions) of my ex-husband (father of my children).  As the boys have gotten older and my reliance on the ex to participate in co-parenting has diminished I find I'm subjected less and less, thankfully.  If I'm being frank the only thing my ex has been fairly consistent with is disappointing them and me.  The older the boys get and the more they start to see him for what he truly is the less inclined I feel to cover for him or defend his actions.  But I can't help looking at my kids and feeling a pit of anger in my gut for how poorly he's parented over the past 19+ years.  Like piss poor.  Everyone but him sees it.  I genuinely think that he believes he's a good father simply because he pays child support.  A fucking legal requirement.  Nothing he should deem medal worthy. 

He's fallen down on this role so often nothing surprises us any more.  His excuses always lie at the feet of another person.  He's never really taken ownership over any of his terrible decisions or actions.  I've always seen it but now the boys see it.  I knew this day would eventually come.  I always thought I'd feel vindicated but I don't.  I just feel sad.  Sad for the boys, not the ex.  I don't feel anything for him.  I'm used to constantly being let down.  I'm used to the excuses.  I'm used to his pity parties.  I'm used to his absences.  Sadly now the boys are too. 

He's now entering into his third marriage after a 3-4 month relationship (by the time the wedding date comes) with a woman who has 5 or 6 kids.  And you know what?  After 5 years or so he's finally put beds in his 3 bedroom house for a child to sleep in!  No, not his children - Silly you!  The unfinished, dank basement or the living room couch is good enough for his boys! And that extra room that hasn't housed a room-mate or himself for the past 5 years was good enough to hold all the boxes of shit he didn't need instead of being used as a bedroom for his kids.  If he thinks for one second this didn't go unnoticed by his youngest child, he's a fucking moron.  He also has his head crammed too far up his own ass if he thinks his kid hasn't realized that every time he's late to pick up his son(s) he has somehow managed to pick her kids up first. 

So when he sits back after a few shots of hard alcohol and reflects on his life and wonders why his kids don't spend a lot of time at his place or with him or show obvious support of this upcoming marriage he should pull his head out of his ass, if ever so slightly, so he can get a clearer image of what he's done over the years to contribute to this turn of events.  And maybe he'll be able to be a decent role model for her 5-6 children. 

I know I gave up a lot of personal time, freedom, money, etc., for the sake of my two sons.  And lord knows my house is a constant state of chaos and my grocery bills are astronomical but you know what?  It's all worth it.  Because for my kids, I am "home".  I am where the heart is.  Truly.