So on top of his new Blackberry from me I wanted to write him a letter:
After 9 months and 23 hours of actual labour, I was finally able to meet you face to face and hold you in my arms. I still remember the overwhelming feeling that came over me as I looked into your face. You were perfect. Everything about you was perfect. The whole image is still crystal clear for me. Your little grey eyes squinting up at me, how remarkably well you were able to hold your own head up, how you instantly calmed down when you were layed on my chest and I spoke to you. The beats of our hearts in unison. Just the overall feeling of smallness in my arms. How I had never had more of an urge to protect anything in my entire life like I wanted to protect you. I just wanted to curl up in my bed surrounding you and stay there forever. I have no true analogy to describe to you what having a child of your own feels like, but I hope one day you will also be blessed with this gift of your own. There is nothing like it, nor will there ever be. I felt that day that someone had removed my heart from my body and gave it life of its own and the moniker Gage.
I was worried when Eric entered our lives, worried how you would react or if you would accept him. I worried if he would like you. I'm so relieved that you have welcomed him into our fold. I love the common banter you and he have together (usually at mine or Roan's sake) and listening to you nerds talk video game talk together. It's truly because of you that I decided to learn how to play Xbox but most importantly Call of Duty. I felt it was a way that you and I could hang out that wouldn't cramp your teenaged style too much. I really enjoy those times we spend together and wish we did it more often. I get a sense of calmness and happiness when I stand by watching you, Roan and Eric get along, laugh and talk.
I love that you are still comfortable telling me most everything that's happening in your life and I hope that never changes. I hope you know I won't judge you and will always listen to you. I have so much I want to teach you but don't even know where to start or if you'll even listen when I try. I guess I believe I'll be able to stop some 'pain' or heartache in the future if I teach you the ways of girls now. But I'm a realist, I know that won't be the case. I stand back proudly and know that if I was a 14 year old boy I'd be just like you. You have turned into a male version of myself. You are popular and it comes easy for you. You're funny and handsome and are one of only two people who could get me to like pop music and hip hop. I love to watch you play soccer and love how good you have gotten through the years. I love that you have passion for things even if one of them is video games. I remember driving home after dropping you off at your first boy/girl dance and crying. Crying at your impending loss of innocence. Knowing that going forward things are going to greatly change. I dread your upcoming grade 8 graduation for a couple of reasons: the obvious is Grandpa not being there to root you on because I know how proud he was of you and I'm sad that he's going to miss out on so much that is still ahead of you. The second is my fear that you'll pull away from me and I'll lose the closeness that we currently have. That unspoken bond.
With all my love,