Twelve Days

A year ago yesterday, mine and my family's worlds began to crumble from within.  Today I noticed on my aunts' and uncle's Facebook pages, tributes to my dad.  Turns out it's National Brother's week (though I think there seems to be a National week or day about something all the time).  I assume this 'week' falls on the same week every year.  So that being said I find it strangely comforting that my dad's siblings came together for him on National Brother's Week this time last year when he needed them the most. 

I also find myself melancholy and quick to emotions as of late.  I find myself disinterested in things.  I find myself putting a fake smile on my face.  I know we're coming up on the one year anniversary and I really still can't wrap my head around it.  When I have spare moments I find myself looking back on this time last year and I'm pretty sure that will continue until the actual anniversary.  At the time, I was full of an underlying fear (sometimes ingorance is bliss) but yet I still had a false hope at the same time.  I was overwhelmed with the outpouring of support from my family and friends.  I felt useless because I couldn't help my dad.  I feared what he was feeling and going through and I'm still caught up on that.  I felt guilt for not being able to spend every moment I had with him.  I felt guilty for having to go to work and take my kids to their soccer games and be at home fixing dinner when I could have and should have been at the hospital, absorbing every moment I could with him, not knowing those times were quickly diminishing.

So almost a year has passed...I have many good days and some bad days.  I've had occurances where I wonder if (and hope) he's sending me signs that he's out there around us.  I have had dreams, both good and bad about him.  Often his memory pops into my head and I smile and then I miss him even more.  We've mourned him and we've celebrated him.  We made it through the 'special days', some harder than others.   I have a feeling I'm just not really going to be able to shake the underlying sadness these next 12 days will bring me, but I'll do my best to not let it envelope me. 

Still miss you like it was yesterday dad and long to hear your voice.  Love you to the moon and back.