Tuesday, March 20, 2012

A Letter to a Young Mother

Dear Young Mom:

First, please have the courtesy to come into my place of work and ask us if it is permissable to park in our private lot while you run your errands at the Police Station. 

Second, please change your toddler's shitty diaper in the privacy of your vehicle so those of us with an office window facing that parking space don't have to see you reef them up the crack of his ass to wipe the shit off it. 

Third, please refrain from then throwing said shitty underpants onto our parking lot for us to clean up. 

Those are my three pieces of advice to you dear, young, mom.  But now I'd like to thank you.  First for leaving your windows down so I had the opportunity to leave my office on this beautiful, sunny day and wander out into the parking lot, retrieve said underpants (I am a mom and I'm a funeral director - shitty pants won't deter me) and toss them through your back seat window where they were given a new resting place.  Right in the middle of your son's car seat. 

And my second thank you is for the sheer feeling of satisfaction I got from that experience as well as the second wave of pride I felt watching your face scour the parking lot looking for the missing underwear and then surprisingly finding them right in the very spot you were intending to plant your son's ass. 

Now, knowing someone watched your behaviour the entire time and 'one upped' you, you must be so proud.  I'm frightened for our youth when you are a role model out there.  Next time, don't be douche.



  1. This is the best thing ever. Thank you for this story I totally experienced a wave of your satisfaction too.