Monday, March 12, 2012

Confused Longings

I'm not one to think about the consequences of growing older too often.  Sure I'm consciously aware that I'm 37, but I don't feel like I'm 37.  And from what those around me tell me, I'm holding my age pretty well.  That being said, the other day one of Gage's friends told me his mom was having to go into the hospital for a hysterectomy (actually he said a di-sectomy, but after a few probing questions, and the answer of "his mom having her girly parts removed", I came to the conclusion that he meant hysterectomy) and it got me thinking on my morning commute into work. 

I'm kind of sad that my breeding years are coming to a close.  Well, my 'safe' breeding years...  Sure, sure I got my tubes tied about 4 years ago so how can I even remotely be sad about this when I made the decision to lower my chances of ever giving birth again by surgically altering myself?  I guess, always in the back of my head, was the option to reverse the procedure if I ever wanted to.  I knew I never would but the option was there!  But now that I'm surgically altered and  rounding up on 40 the odds of getting pregnant and having my own little baby again are even more against me.  And I guess when the future of not having any more babies no longers lies with just me, well I guess I'm a little melancholy about the whole thing.  Like the option is slipping through my fingers day by day. 

I'm never again going to have my own baby who curls up in the nape of my neck just between my chin and shoulder blade.  Never again will a crying baby immediately settle in at the mere sound of my voice or my smell.  Not likely will another baby turn to me for comfort when they are hurting or scared.  Never again will the soothing sound of my hushes calm an infant.  I look forward to being a grandma (and I hope it's not for a while yet) but I have a feeling it just isn't going to be the same. A baby will always look to his mama before he turns to his grandma.  And fingers are crossed so hard they are a permanently white knuckled that the mother of my grandchildren isn't a first time mom freak who won't let the kid out of her sight or coddles the baby all the time and ends up creating a monster who will go to no one else and lord willing, she loves me and trusts me whole hearted with her child.  And please, please, please if all of the above applies to the mother of my future grandchildren, I hope my son has the balls to stand up to her and for the best interests of his child and thus insists on my being actively involved in baby's life. 

So for now, I'll just be sad and wait with hopefulness.

1 comment:

  1. I too went through a period of wanting just one more. Hubby already took care of that part but I am a grandma (nana) to almost 10 grandbabies(#10 due in July). That being said, being a "nana" is amazing. It is great to see what your babies produce and what they learned from you as their parent. I highly recommend it!