Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Fighting the Fight

I never really thought the day would come that I would be posting a blog about what I'm going to talk about shortly.  I have for my entire life, relied on the fact that I had been blessed with good genes and a decent metabolism.  However, I had also heard many times before, that eventually I would run out of luck and so it seems I have come to that bend in the road.  (Thanks dad for making the first 35 years or so of my life relatively easy in this department!) 

Excluding pregnancies, I have only ever gotten to a point in my life where I realized I had started to lose my luck one other time.  I hit the gym and within four months, I was back to the weight I was most comfortable at.  Then I met a guy and lost all motivation to go to the gym and work out.  I know, it's normal, yah, yah.  However, I find myself coming close to tipping the scales at that previous weight again.  I also find myself not comfortable in my own skin.  And that has to be the worst feeling for me.  I don't want to wear nice clothes, I don't even want to put jeans on.  I could live in yoga pants and t-shirts from this day forward if I stay at this weight or move up.  I'm beginning to understand the struggles overweight people go through.  I'm not comfortable physically.  I'm beginning to 'get it'. 

Any who, I've decided to head back to the gym.  Eric and I had started to go to the gym last year but he isn't interested in doing the classes so I worked out on the machines with him.  I found it completely redundant.  I'd get bored easily (maybe Roan's got a little of his ADD from me afterall!), if it started to ache, I'd just move to another machine instead of pushing past it...This type of working out just wasn't working for me!  I'd had success by attending the aerobics classes put on at the gym.  I would work out solidly for 45 - an hour with pride.  I figured if the heavier woman, or the older woman, or that woman over there who clearly had no co-ordination could do it, then I better not lag behind. I had better keep up with them.  Push through the pain and burn.  And when I'd leave there, I'd be sweaty (like a dude!) and red in the face and hungry and spent and feeling really, REALLY good about myself.  I'd still have the flushed face an hour or two after working out.  That's what I'm looking forward to again.  And you know what?  I know I'll get results.  I've seen them in the past and I want them again. I want that body again.  It was the first time I'd truly loved my body since I was 18. 

So tomorrow I start back at the gym.  Of course I wrenched my back this weekend, so I figure it's best to start with some Yoga to help stretch it out.  I plan to do 3 - 4 classes a week; Mon thru Thurs. with my weekends free.  The classes I prefer are a mix of cardio, weights, core training, just over all body shaping.  That's what I want.  I didn't change my diet last time and I don't plan to change it too much this time either.  I did however, cut out snacks after 8 p.m. when I was working out last time and that seemed to help too.  I'm also trying to eat more smaller meals/snacks throughout the day after speaking with my guts doctor.  I think going down to one meal a day was counter-productive for my metabolism.  Ho hum, live and learn. 
So here's the part I'm dreading typing the most.  The statistics so to speak.  I'm also going to have Eric take a before picture (though I won't post it unless I'm successful and have a stellar after shot to post alongside it!).

Date:  February 21, 2012
Age:  37 1/2  years old (I know, it's crazy.  I don't look a day over 25!)
Weight:  150 lbs (GASP!!)
Height:  5'8" (thank god, this frame helps carry that weight fairly well)
Ideal weight goal:  125 -130 lbs (lets be realistic, I AM 5'8" tall people)
Current measurements (allbeit crude measurements as I had to use a tape measure rather than a measuring tape.  They sound the same but frankly one is a lot colder on my body and more rigid and made for measuring flat surfaces, but I'm getting the jist.)
Upper arms:  12" (thought I'd start with the smallest one and least painful one to type)
Chest/breasts:  37" (Women who say they don't gain weight in their boobs, lie)
Waist:  30 1/2"  (Where did my 27" inch waist go??)
Upper hip bone area/lower stomach:  38" (Gah, the saddest part in my opinion)
Hips:  41 1/2"  (I do not want this back, I do not like this back! Baby does not like this back!)
Thigh:  23 1/2" (If I lose some inches will the cellulite diminish too?)
Calf:  15"

So there you have it people.  My worst fear.  I'm very vain, even if it's just a secret internal thing.  I've lived this long without ever worrying about my weight and now I worry.  It was extremely hard for me to post these stats for those who read this blog to see.  Many of you might say, shut your fucking mouth Holly, you suck.  But for me, this is hard.  For me, these are not good measurements.  For my 'norm', this is wrong.  And it's funny because if I saw these stats about anyone I know, I'd tell them to shut the fuck up too.  I'd assure them that they looked fine and tell them they were crazy.  And I'll also reiterate that Eric does not support my belief and thinks I look amazing just the way I am.  Thank you sweetheart but I need to do this for me.  I need to be comfortable in my own skin again. 

So now I'm off, it's currently 11:30 p.m. and I'm going to finish the chocolate cupcake I have been picking at while I typed this.  Yes, I'm aware that is counter-productive.  I can actually hear Deb from work tsk-ing me.

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