Part-time Empty Nester?

I anticipated that this 'day' or time would eventually come.  The day the issue of my kids living with their dad on a full time basis or even on a permanent part time basis was inevitable.  I guess I also knew merely the thought of it would make me sad.  I never counted on feeling bitter too.  

I have to be careful what I write here and I am almost most bitter about that.  I've been 'spoken' to about what I write about my ex (the father of my children) on my OWN blog because he feels I don't paint him in a good light and that people will think "badly" of him.   I have explained to him that anyone who reads my blog and who also knows him should know if he's a good person or bad person by now and anyone who reads my blog who doesn't know him wouldn't give a shit about him.  So their opinion shouldn't mean anything to him.  Irregardless, I've thought about what I want to write about this subject and I'll try to be VERY diplomatic.

As I said, I knew this time would eventually creep up on me.  My kids are getting older and have social lives.  They are spending less and less time with us, their parents, and more time with their friends.  It's no skin off my nose because they live with me.  Seven out of ten times they (along with their friends) are hanging at my house at some point.  They come home to me at the end of most days.  But I get it when their father says he wants them on a 50/50 basis because he doesn't feel he gets to see them enough between his set times and their social lives.  I get it but I don't like it.

It only bodes the following questions from me.  And even though I ask these questions I want so badly to believe it's just that he feels he's missing out on stuff and wants to be included.  I could understand that. 

Is this just about not having to pay child support anymore?  Because if they are with each of us 50% of the time then it's obvious no child support will change hands.  And I'm fine with that.  I've always said from the get go that I can't complain about anything money related about my ex.  He's fulfilled his duties when it comes to that department.  I can make a comment that I've been more than accommodating to him, and his situations, in the past and have never increased his payments in the 10 years we've been apart, but I already know that.  (See that?  Passive aggression at it's finest!  It's my blog though. I can write what I want.  haha)  I am going to try REALLY hard to believe this isn't an issue of money.

I know he thinks he can do a better job than me when it comes to raising our kids.  He's made that crystal clear in the past.  I think he's the only one who thinks that but whatever.  I guess my response to try to convince myself that his words don't hurt me is to reinforce to myself how wonderful my kids are, and even though we both play a role in how they turn out, they spend far more time with me so I want to believe that my influences outweigh his.  Perhaps, he doesn't feel the boys are as great as they are and that is as a result of the time they spend with me.  Perhaps he feels he can turn things around if he gets them more frequently at still a fairly mold-able age. Perhaps he sees that his influence on them doesn't run as deep.  I don't know that statement to actually be true as I see tons of him in his kids, but maybe that's how he feels.

I know how much I would miss them if I only saw them for a couple solid days every two weeks.  So I guess I want so badly to believe that is his true intention behind this request.  I want to believe there are no ulterior motives and nothing his says to me will convince me otherwise (so don't bother trying).  I need to feel it to believe it.  I have too much of a past with him, it's hard for me.

He hasn't lived full time with Gage since Gage was 4 1/2 years old.  He hasn't lived full time with Roan since Roan was 9 months old.  Up until a couple of years (I might be being generous) he hasn't even tried to get more time with them.  So I guess it makes me question, why now?   Is it because they are so much easier now?  Because when they were lots of work and much smaller and it wasn't permissible to leave them alone he never stepped up to the plate to take them more frequently than what was outlined in our separation agreement.  In fact he bailed on them quite often because he worked too hard and was tired, it was too hot at work and he was exhausted and not feeling well, he was stressed out and depressed, he needed 'me' time, he had an opportunity for overtime...I've heard them all.  It's unfortunate and he probably won't remember any of that this way, but he needs to do whatever it is he does to feel better about the situation.  So now when they are entirely self sufficient and small versions of adults, and easy to take care of and talk with, now he wants to be a semi-full time father.

He tells me this wonderful idea of them living with each of us 50% of the time will also give me a break. Almost as if this is a selling feature.  Maybe he's transposing his thoughts and feelings on to me (as he truly believes this) but I'm not asking for a break.  I enjoy having my kids around me.  Maybe Eric would agree with Rob and welcome the week on/week off idea but not me.  I like having them here. I love having them in my life on a consistent basis.  They are my life, they make up the better part of me.  It's all I know.  It's been like this for 15 years.  I don't welcome this potential change. 

I guess I'm bitter because I question why it never dawned on him to be a semi-full time father during the difficult, time consuming, high maintenance years?  Those years got handed to me and I was made to deal with them.  How come now when everything is so much easier and they're never around is this important to him?  How come now he wants to take my kids from me?

I know, I know...I'm being melodramatic.  He's not trying to steal my kids from me.  But I've earned the right to have them full time.  I stepped up to the plate from the beginning of this whole situation and I never waivered from my decision.  I could have made the same decision he did and demanded only a part time visiting schedule.  He could have made the same decision I did and demanded a full time visiting schedule.  But I didn't and he didn't.  If he wanted them on a 50/50 basis then it should have been so since the beginning.  I would have known no different. I would be adjusted to it at this point and accepting and not bitter.

So those are MY feelings on the subject.  I guess I'm also hurt that he went behind my back and offered this option to both boys without speaking with me first or giving me the heads up.  As if they would ever want to tell him no.  There is no way they'd want to hurt his feelings and say they are content living where they live. Why does he want change all that they know?  He's put them in a very awkward situation where they have to choose and hurt one of their parents.  I don't believe he has been fair to them.  If they had come to him or I and brought the subject up themselves, then that's fine.  But he's put them in a position where they have to choose and choosing will hurt one of us.  I don't think he's realized that.

So again, MY THOUGHTS and MY FEELINGS on the subject.  It's MY blog and I can write what I want to write.  I don't want to talk about my feelings with him or justify my thoughts to him.  They are what they are and please don't try to take these feelings away from me. 

So all of that being said.  I am hurt and bitter but I will completely support whatever decision my children make about where they would like to live.  I will try to keep my feelings quiet to them.  In hopes that knowing how much I'll be hurting won't sway their decision.  But I will make it very clear to them how much I would miss them and how much I love having them live with me.  I wouldn't want them to leave my house feeling that I was glad for this change and glad to have a break from them.  I will make sure they completely understand how important they are to me and have been to me from the moment I gave birth to them.  They will know that they always come first.  Before everything else in my life.

Girlies part deux!

So here's a more recent picture of my new tattoo.  Maybe one more sitting til it's done!! Then on to another idea I'm sharing with Lesley!

Carousal of Life

A couple of months ago my mom's two aunt's inquired about planting a tree in memory of my dad instead of doing a donation.  After some discussion we decided to have a tree planted in the park beside the old carousal in Port Dalhousie.  We've all been there with my dad at some point and the park and beach will be there forever so there is no risk of the tree being cut down in the future. 

My aunt's selected a Little Leaf Linden and it was finally planted a couple of weeks ago.  Mom, Geoff, Dawn and I headed over to spend a few quiet minutes together and then we went for lunch, just the four of us. 

We are all still struggling along.  His death has left us with a huge void and feelings we don't really know how to address.  But the simplicity of a tree, to me anyway, is magnificent.  It's just a tree, and I know it's not him and he's not likely to be hanging around it, but for some reason I find comfort knowing it's there.  We haven't buried my dad's ashes yet.  My mother is comforted by having him with her at home.  So aside from the tree (or my mom's house - where I think it would be awkward to just show up to and ask for some private time with his ashes so I could talk to him) I don't have a place yet where I can just go and sit and talk to him, even if I just talk in my head.  So for the next while, until a decision is made on whether or not we're burying him, I'll pick the tree as our meeting place. 

Girlies

Having friends who are talented enough to be tattoo artists is a wonderful perk in life.  Especially if you like tattoos.  I've gotten three new tattoos this year alone and I still have two other ideas I want completed that are front and centre in my mind.  I'm starting to run out of hidable body parts though. 

Here is my latest.  Since this picture was taken I've had cherry blossoms and some colouring added but I still have one sitting left, I suspect, until it's completely done. 

It's a rendering done by the talented Esther Sanchez of Margaret, Jodi and myself.  We've been planning this tattoo for a couple of years now and I'm very excited to actually be almost finished.  Both Margaret and Jodi plan to get the same tattoo for themselves as well. 

That's me on the left, Margie in the middle on Jodi on the right!

Slacking

Sometimes I'm just not the best girlfriend in the world.  I know this.  I know my shortcomings.  And he still loves me. 

Sailing Away

So when I made my list up of things I wanted to do this summer I added garage sailing with Margaret to my list.  More so to spend more time with Margie as I was really and anti-garage sale person.  I went out with Margaret and her mom the first time in July and continued to do so for a few weekends following the initial outing.  I have actually found some really, truly, sweet scores on my adventures.  I should have taken pictures of every garage sale find I have (and maybe I still will)...

The past few weekends I haven't made it to Welland but I did try to go garage sailing one weekend with Roan.  Eric decided to join us.  I scored a couple sweet things for my nephew Sebastian and then Roan proceeded to barf all over himself.  So after making him sit in his puke (he volunteered, I'm not that terrible of a mom) while I hit a couple more sales enroute home we cut the morning short.

BUT, let me tell you about this morning's trip!  It's the absolute best one yet.  And it was totally spontaneous.  We've had my friend Tess here for the weekend with her three boys.  We decided since the boys wake up super early anyway we might as well hit this garage sale we saw advertised earlier in the day.  It was promising to be BIG.

Her one son Hank did not want to go with us.  He wanted to go to Walmart and buy a HALO toy.  I said maybe they'll have HALO toys at a garage sale (knowing I've yet to come across one in my travels) and he said not likely.  I did agree and say he's probably right, but you just never know....

So the first sale we hit I stumble across a sweet wooden antique sled/toboggan that would be lovely for our nephew Felix (and when he's done with it and they give it back to me it will make an awesome planter box), and an amazing wooden naked woman nut cracker for Eric.  I walk over the the neighbours as they too had a sale on and immediately spot a HALO toy (not even out of the box!).  I call Hank over and he's crazy stoked.  Then I notice they have a BBQ marked Free at their sale and inquire if it works as mine just shit the bed three days ago.  It does and I lay claim to it.  We then move on to another sale and Roan walks away with three light sabres and I spot a four drawer filing cabinet that would be perfect for work for $5.00.  I call work and make arrangements for them to come retrieve it and carry on our way.

We got the BBQ hooked up and my broken one out to the curb.  Came home from a day playing tourist to find my old one gone from my lawn and sparked up the 'new' one and it works like a charm.  Much better than my old one ever did!!! 

I'm so crazy excited about my finds today.  Less than $20. spent on everything.  Can't beat that!!!