Aggravation Station

A Kitty to Love

2012-02-08T12:48:00.000-05:00

A couple of years ago, Eric and I adopted a kitty from the Humane Society. A calico, Eric's favourite. We named her Tabouleh, like the salad, because she was all multi coloured and mixed up. She was quite skittish at first and hid out in our bedroom for a good couple of weeks before deciding torturing her and killing her weren't in our plans. After some time she definately got comfortable in her surroundings. She took an immediate liking to Oliver, though her and Nika never really became 'friends'.

After about a year living in our house, we spontaneously adopted the most adorable and personable black cat, Shakespeare, and welcomed him to our fold. They seemed to like each other. Maybe it was the familiar smell of the Humane Society that made them kindred spirits, who knows. They slept together in sunbeams, they played together, they ate together - a happy little duo these two made. Until about 6 months ago. Six months ago, everything changed for this couple.

During a round of rough housing, the cats knocked over a metal object and it came crashing down off the table and made a terribly loud noise, clearly scaring the crap out of both cats, who immediately went running for their lives. But not before turning on each other and trying to maime and kill one another. Since that day, they cannot be alone together or in close proximatey of each other without a full on battle ensuing. I'm talking fur in claws, scratchs, blood, etc. He can't go near her without her hissing and snarling, she can't go near him without him goading her and stalking her. He torments the piss out of her. And this always ends in a physical altercation.

So we've tried everything we can to make them like each other again. We've segregated them for lengthy times, we've integrated them for lengthy times, we've forced them, in a supervised capacity, to spend time together, we've purchased and installed hormone diffusers, and we've taken them to the vet and introduced medication in hopes of calming them. To no avail. They simply cannot live together in harmony any longer. Sadly the other cats are cluing in as to who the weaker link is in this terrible equation as well and Tabouleh is starting to act out. Unfortunately, it looks like we have to find another home for the Tubster.

So my point in writing this little blog is to ask any of you, my dear readers, if you know of anyone who is looking for a cat who does not currently have one or if they want two cats, who is willing to get a kitten after integrating Tabouleh into their household. I believe she will be fine with another cat, provided she is the dominant kitty. I do think though that the best situation for our girl is a home where she is the only cat and can roam freely without the fear of having the snot kicked out of her.

She is spayed, and very well tempered, though a little skittish. A 'fraidy cat if you will. We think she's around 3 years old. She is litter trained and an indoor cat. She's very independant and will come to you on her own looking for pets and affection. She loves to eat! Dry food mainly but enjoys a snack of canned food every other day or so. She loves catnip and playing with her toys. We don't want any money for her, we just want her to go to a home where she won't be scared and someone will love her. We are willing to supply the litter box, she's up to date on her vaccinations and we will send her toys that she loves the most with her to help in her transition. Please ask around. We really don't want to have to take her to the Humane Society again. We just want her to have a happy life.

Loss

2012-01-27T23:03:00.000-05:00

Life is a compilation of never ending struggles. Some of us fare better than others. Some of us have to battle harder than others. It's during these battles that your true colours emerge or shine the brightest...for some. Sometimes for some people the battle is not easily fought and sometimes for some people they don't get out of those battles alive.

Yesterday the world lost a truly decent guy. He fought the fight, and remained a genuine person to the core. He knew his weaknesses but he didn't allow them to ruin who he was as a person. He had so much potential and we'll never fully understand or know what he could have been. I am saddened that these struggles had to be part of his life. He deserved all the happiness in the world. He will never truly know how much of an impact he really had on people. He never 'got' it. He was a good man, with demons. In the end, I suppose the demons won. But they will never take away who he was. Godspeed Keith. May you never feel suffering, anguish or pain again.

1976 - 2012

Frustration at Epic Proportions

2012-01-18T19:38:00.000-05:00

It's frustrating to me when certain people who are clearly in the wrong cannot look into themselves and understand that all the shit that has piled on top of them is as a result of their wrong doings. It's always got to be someone elses fault.

Eventually buddy, people are going to get fed up and not stand for your crap anymore. Eventually people will stop babysitting you. Eventually your actions do catch up with you. At what cost will it be before you realize it's only you that needs to change? Not everyone else around you. How much will it take?

A little spiritual and physical cleansing.

2012-01-18T17:45:00.000-05:00

I forgot to mention...before Christmas I went for a spontaneous Thai Massage with a friend of Eric's. I hope Sarah doesn't mind that I 'borrowed' some information from her Facebook page to tell you a brief synopsis of what exactly that is.

It is made up of slow, rhythmic movements that flow from one into another. Many parts of Sarah's body was used to manipulate mine. Her hands, elbows, knees, legs, feet, you get the idea. So if you're touchy about someone really touching you then maybe it's not your thing. But you should get past that, because it really is worth it. Any way, back to what it is. The massage is made up of many yoga-like moves and stretches. Depending on your sensitivity, mild, firm or strong touches are applied. Thai massage blends three elements: accupuncture, yoga and meditation.

There are supposedly many physical benefits of Thai Massage too! Detoxification, immune system boost, increased blood circulation, lowered blood pressure, muscle relaxation, increased flexibility, increased mobility, improved breathing, improved posture, corrected body alignment, improved athletic performance, helps arthritis and back pain, helps tone the body, strengthens the joints, fights disease, prevents illness and alleviates degenerative diseases. There are also several mental benefits as well but you can find all the information on her webpage.

So obviously for me to benefit physically and mentally from this type of massage I need to do it on a pretty routine basis. I've only gone once so far, but I do intend to book another session sooner than later. It was pretty wild. I've never done anything like it. So if you feel like you're missing something physically or spiritually maybe check Sarah and Happy Lotus Thai Massage out! If you don't like it, fine, but if you love it it might just prove to be the start of a beautiful relationship with yourself (and of course, Sarah).

Good Looking Colon

2012-01-17T20:32:00.000-05:00

I've been having a lot of problems with my guts and colon and what not. Hence the reason my doctor sent me for a colonoscopy at 37 years old. That and the fact that my maternal grandmother had three colon cancer surgeries at quite a young age probably didn't help matters.

I wasn't so much dreading the procedure as I have had two children and really I have no pride left when it comes to stuff down there. It was the prep I was leary of. And I had every right to be. After each mouthful I'd dry heave. And I am not proud to say I spent some time on the toilet crying, telling Eric I didn't like him and not to give me anymore of that stuff all while covering my cup like a 5 year old and shaking my head violently NO!

Anyway, I persevered and made it through and in the end, it was worth it. For now, I am cancer free (I'm not gonna lie, after everything that's happened this year, I was worried). Cancer free in my colon and butt any way. My next doctor's appointment is next week and I'll inquire about a mammogram then. Dealing with Cancer when it's thrown in your face like this makes you think about your own mortality a little differently.

So now I'm left to suffer with IBS. Though I didn't really need a doctor or this procedure to diagnose that. Now on to some lifestyle changes....

Puppy Dog Tails and all that Stuff.

2012-01-17T20:09:00.002-05:00

So there has been a link going viral about rules for fathers with daughters. I haven't read them yet, I'm sure they're honest, hillarious, sweet and so true. I came across a similar blog while searching with hope of finding a likeminded list of rules for moms with sons. Saves me from having to come up with 20+ things all on my own. I've take the jist of her ideas and tweaked them to my beliefs. We all know sons are SO different than daughters. The idea is to give other moms the support and pat on the back they deserve when we are struggling to understand our boys. We are, hands down, the most important woman in our sons' lives. We are the person who will know them the longest. We are the person they first met and had a connection with in this world. We are their first teachers and hopefully (if you've done your job even remotely right) the person they will continue to turn to when looking for guidance in the rest of their lives. From "Can I go play with them?" to "Should I ask her to marry me?"

1. Give him the tools to put his feelings into words.
Your son will get angry as a result of frustration, hide from embarrassment, cry out of fear and scream from excitement. Allow him these physical releases, but also explain to him what he is feeling and the appropriate response to that emotion for future reference. Acknowledge that other people go through the same gammet of emotions and point out how they are showing their feelings and how they might differ from your son's techniques. Be honest with him about your own emotions so that when he's an adult he'll know the difference between embarrassment and anger, disappointment and grief.

2. Be his own personal cheerleading squad.
Be the loudest person on the side lines at his soccer games. I am 100% sure there will come a time when he will tell you to stop shouting at him that he's got the ball under control. I also have absolutely no doubt that he will be mortified when you show his girlfriend his naked baby pictures. I'm also pretty sure he won't be telling his prom date about your blog where you consistantly brag about everything he's done so far in is life, from spontaneous, random hugs (yup those are brag worthy when they come from a teenaged son) to winning the most improved student award in Grade 8. He will tell you to stop cheering for him, he'll tell you you are embarrassing him. But, deep down, he will know, without a doubt, that there is at least one person that will always root for him.

3. Read to him and read with him.
There is no better gift to give than the ability to travel to foreign and make believe places, show them how to become someone they aren't, meet people they would never cross paths with, learn tons of new things. There are so many possibilities when you read a book. Let him see you reading. Talk to him about what you read. Teach him that when you write words down, you will be present forever. Writers are the transcribers of history and memories. Readers help preserve and pass along those memories.

4. Teach him that dancing is fun and definately ok.
It doesn't have to be good it just has to be fun. Encourage your son that when he feels the music in him, it's completely acceptable to just go ahead and bust a move! There is some truth in that saying, "Dance like there is no one watching."

5. Ensure he has examples of good men who are smart, determined and have integrity.
Your son will be bombarded with images of heroes with big muscles and a uniform from pratically birth. It's your job to make sure he also knows about men who are heroes because of their brains, their words, their determination, their ideas, their integrity, their fearlessness and their ability to keep their mouths shut when everyone else is shouting.

6. Ensure he has examples of women who are beautiful because they are smart, determined and have integrity.
Examples of what society traditionally deems as a beautiful woman will also surround your son from birth. Make sure he also knows that there are women out there in the world who are beautiful from the inside out because of their brains, their words, their determination, their ideas, their integrity, their fearlessness, and their ability to open their mouths and take a stand when everyone else is silent.

7. Be an example of a beautiful woman with brains, determination, and integrity.
We, moms, are pretty amazing. We already are all of those things and more. Never doubt yourself. We have grown a life inside our body and we managed to get it out of our body. Or we've taken someone elses child and loved them with our whole hearts because she couldn't. We have taken care of a newborn with little to no experience. We can miraculously make pain go away with merely a kiss. We have likely taught someone how to read. We have taught a toddler manners and how to eat with utensils. We have cleaned up diarrhea and vomit without gagging (or we have hid it well) We love a child enough that we are willing to give our own lives for him. We have found ways to remain strong even when our sons are hurting. We are amazing women.

8. Teach him manners.
Because its nice. And people with manners made the world a better place to live.

9. Give him something to believe in.
Someday he will be afraid, or nervous, or heartbroken, or lost, or just need you, and you won't be able to be there. Give him something to turn to when it feels like he is alone, so that he knows that he will never be alone; never, never, never. No matter what it is that 'thing' may be.

10. Teach him about those times when he needs to be gentle.
With babies, flowers, animals and other people's feelings.

11. Don't fret ruined clothes.
Make the conscious decision to be totally cool about dirty and ruined clothes. If you don't, you'll be fighting a losing battle. Being angry about something that is inevitable is a waste of time and energy. Boys tend to learn by destroying, jumping, spilling, falling, and making impossible messes.

12. Learn how to play with them.
Do you know how to throw a football, use a hockey stick, draw kitty cats or zombies or guns, or play video games? Do you know the difference between Gryffindor and Slyterin, or the lyrics to his favourite song? Do you know why one Beyblade is stronger than another? Be in his life, as a main player, not only as a fan.

13. Go outside with him
Occasionally turn off the video games, put your cellphone on vibrate and don't answer it. Go outside and demand to play with him. Check out his world. Watch his face. Follow him as he explores. Answer all his questions. His world will be magic.

14. Let him lose.
This is one of the hardest ones I've had to do and frankly I'm not very good at it. There is nothing fun about losing but, not everyone can be a winner all the time. "Helicopter parents" have taken over this generation. Even if you are tempted to tell him he's a winner just for trying, please don't. Sometimes it's ok for him to not feel like a winner, to feel sad and disappointed. As awful as it sounds, that's a good thing, because he needs to know that sometimes life also sucks, no matter how hard we try to protect our kids. In reality, this will be good for him later in life when he loses again (and again, and again, and again, and again). Instead take the opportunity to make sure he understands that sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. But he needs to learn that he should never give up.

15. Give him opportunities to help others and to be charitable.
Try not to force him to help, but assist him in understanding that helping others is giving him the opportunity to make someone's life easier or better. It's about not being selfish. Set an example by helping others with your own actions, by helping members of your family and by teaming up and helping others together.

16. Show him that practice makes perfect.
This motto is appropriate for everything he is going to face in his life, not just activities like sports and music. You become better at things by doing them on a consistant basis. You should begin to show your son this when he is very young, likely shortly after birth. Go through the routines with them before doing something. Like practice trick-or-treating with him before sending him up to his first door to beg for treats. Teach him how to answer a telephone or order a Happy Meal. Practice, practice, practice!

17. When he consistantly asks you "Why?", answer him.
Or look for the answer together. Teach him where he can find the answers, books, internet, libraries, newspaper, other people... Ask him questions to aid him in thinking about the answers for himself. Someday, he will need to ask a question that embarrasses him, teach him where to go to find the answer when he can't ask you.

18. Give him something to do to release his energy.
Swimming, sports, musical instruments, working out, a diary, trampoline, pets, hang out time with his friends. Let him go crazy with all those things. If you don't, he will use your stuff. And that never ends well.

19. Travel with him and take him to new places.
It will leave him with fond memories of time spent with you. And it will show him the world we live in is a marvelous place and so much bigger than him.

20. Kiss him.
It's a pretty common consensus that any mother of a son will tell you how loving and sweet little boys really are. Yes, they can be crazy and annoying and wild and destructive for most of the day. But there are moments when they are so kind and sensitive and tender. It makes many of us wonder when we look at grown men and question what happend in between "then and now". Make sure you kiss them. When they are 2 months old, 16 years old or 40 years old. You're their mom, they'll let you. Show him you love him.

21. Be their home base.
You are home to him. He will hopefully never stray too far from you. He always managed to toddle his way back to you as a toddler when he was learning to walk on his own. Never traveling too far from your side. He will always look for your proud smile when he's trying something new. You will hear the same book over and over and over again once he learns to read. And he will do that because you'll be the only one with patience enough to stand it. When he plays his sport, he will be looking for you in the stands. When he is sick, it is you and only you he will call for. When he really messes up, hopefully he will call you. When he is all grown up and big and strong and tough it will be you he comes to when he feels like crying, because a man can cry in front of his mother. You will always be his home base even when he grows up and has a new woman in his life and gets his own place to live. You will be one of the only contants in his life. Like the sun. Keep that in your heart and everything else will fall into place.

Christmas Traditions

2012-01-13T21:09:00.001-05:00

Trying to come up with a new tradition to celebrate my dad at Christmas was more difficult than I thought. What we came up with was really rather simple. I'm not sure if I was searching for something with meaning or whatever bullshit I thought it should be, but a group balloon release is what we ended up with. And frankly it made me emotional enough. Though I'm sure not much wouldn't.

I went to get 10 green and red helium filled balloons on Christmas eve because I knew I wouldn't be able to get them Christmas day. I assumed they would be good until 3 p.m. on the big day. I was wrong. Sadly, I didn't find out that helium does not last in latex balloons and metal balloons would have been the better choice. Happily, I found out soon enough so that we were able to convene with my mom, brother and his family (Dawn was sleeping as she was on midnights so she did her balloon release on her own when she woke up) for 15 minutes to release them on Christmas Eve at dusk.

My brother put out mini coke bottles at each of our plates at the dinner table. Self explanatory if you know anything about my dad. Nothing was said, nothing needed to be said. We all understood.

Merry Christmas Dad, wasn't the same without you this year. But I really believe you were with us in your own way.

Happy Birthday Dad

2012-01-08T21:31:00.000-05:00

Like I said in a previous post, I don't have the energy or desire to go back and recap the tornado of emotions I felt the day leading up to and the actual day of my dad's birthday, December 20. I had pushed his birthday and thought of it being the cause of emotional distress to the back of my mind. I had mistakenly focused all of my fear on Christmas. How wrong I was.

Gage and I had a discussion the day before his birthday, at a time when I still thought I was going to get through it unscathed, and we came up with the idea to do something small to commemorate it but nothing over the top. We wouldn't have done anything over the top if he was still here so why start now? He came up with just getting a birthday cake. Done! Easy and great idea. So after work I stopped and picked up some cupcakes (who doesn't love cupcakes more than cake?!?) and candles. It was decided that after dinner we would each like a candle in our cupcake and silently say a prayer or a birthday wish for dad. So we did just that. It was perfect.

Prep is Worse than Procedure

2012-01-08T21:14:00.000-05:00

What I have to look forward to, starting Thursday night: (I'm so glad Eric is on afternoons.)

Tips for a successful colonoscopy prep

Preparing for a colonoscopy may be uncomfortable and time-consuming, but it needn’t be an ordeal. Here are some things you can do to help it go as smoothly and comfortably as possible:

Make sure you receive your colonoscopy prep instructions well before your procedure date, and read them completely as soon as you get them. You’ll need to stop certain medications and foods up to a week ahead of time. This is also the time to call your clinician with any questions and to buy the bowel prep she or he has prescribed. Pick up some medicated wipes (for example, Tucks or adult wet wipes with aloe and vitamin E) and a skin-soothing product such as Vaseline or Desitin — you’re going to be experiencing high-volume, high-velocity diarrhea.
Arrange for the time and privacy you need to complete the prep with as little stress as possible. Clear your schedule, and be at home on time to start your prep. If you have children or aging parents who need attention, have someone else be available to them while you’re indisposed.
Water can get boring, so keep a variety of clear liquids on hand. On the day before your colonoscopy — when you’re restricted to clear liquids — you can have popsicles, Jell-O, clear broth, coffee or tea (without milk or creamer), soft drinks, Italian ice, or Gatorade. But take nothing with red, blue, or purple dye. Drink extra liquids before, during, and after your bowel prep (usually until a few hours before your procedure), as well as after your colonoscopy.
To make a bad-tasting liquid prep like PEG easier to swallow, try one or more of the following: if the PEG doesn’t come flavored, add some Crystal Light or Kool-Aid powder (again, not red, blue, or purple); add some ginger or lime; drink it chilled; drink it through a straw placed far back on your tongue; hold your nose and drink it as quickly as possible; quickly suck on a lemon slice after you finish each glass; hold a lemon or lime under your nose while you drink; suck on a hard candy after each glass.
Wear loose clothing, and stay near the bathroom. Better yet, once the preparation starts to work, stay in the bathroom — because when the urge hits, it’s hard to hold back. Consider setting up shop near the toilet with music, your laptop, magazines, or books.

GOOD FUCKING GOD.

Out with the old and in with the NEW!

2011-12-27T19:03:00.000-05:00

So aside from making one or two pseudo resolutions (of things that I really, really should do anyway), I've decided that instead of setting myself up for disappointment by making lists of things I know I won't accomplish, I'm thinking of having a New Year's Eve Burning Ceremony. I got this idea from a lady who got the idea from her church so to speak.

Here's what it entails: You set up your fire -- fireplace, woodstove, candle in a nice ceramic/metal bowl, grill, kitchen stove and a pan, match and a concrete step or bare patch of earth or whatever -- then you write on small pieces of paper, in just a few words, things that you want to be free from in the new year. Emotional things you've been stuck on, relationships (or aspects of them) you're ready to be done with, habits you're oh-so-more-than-ready to quit; anything you want out of your physical, emotional, or spiritual space.

Then you light the freakin' things on fire and cackle with glee as they burst into flames and are released to the universe! This is the part where you will laugh and laugh and laugh.

Actually I'm thinking it can be very therapeutic, even for those of us who aren't really spiritual.

The whole New Year's thing has typically been a let down for me over the years. I, somewhere along the way of life, have picked up the notion that it is supposed to be very meaningful. It has rarely ever met that standard. Maybe this silly simple little ceremony will help. It can go many ways, yet again leaving me let down by something I've built up, it may prove to be a relaxing celebration, or a quiet reflection.

So here's saying good bye to 2011 and hello to 2012! Burn baby, burn! I'll make sure I don't burn the house down. We all know what kind of luck I have with fire.

Birthday Wishes

2011-12-22T20:41:00.000-05:00

Tuesday the 20th was my dad's birthday. I have been focused so much on Christmas and how I was both dreading it and trying to figure out a way to honour him that I gave little thought to how his birthday might affect me. Well my feet were kicked out from underneath me and I got punched in the gut with grief (repeatedly).

I am lacking any real energy or desire to blog about it, but needless to say it was the third most emotional day of my life, thus far. The first being the day he died and the second being the day of our final farewell. I couldn't get a handle on my emotions and I had a complete emotional breakdown. I suppose I knew this day would come. Of course, I've cried since his funeral, many times. But nothing like what I just went through. I was a wreck. I still feel drained.

Gage wanted to get a cake for his birthday so I grabbed some cupcakes on my way home from (a pointless day of) work. After dinner, the four of us lit a candle in each of our cupcakes, quietly made a wish or said a prayer for my dad then blew out our candles. I'm happy with what we chose to do to honour him. He'd be ok with that. Simple, just like him.

Happy 62nd birthday dad! We love you.

Thanks to LB for making me this picture collage.

Maneating Presents!

2011-12-18T17:04:00.002-05:00

Eric and Roan went shopping yesterday and bought me presents. Last night Eric wrapped them. This is what I found this morning under the tree. Well more in front of the tree than under it. But I'm pretty sure if it wanted to be under the tree it would have the strength of 10 thousand men and destroy anything in its way.

A robot made of presents!! A wonderfully bright silver lining to an otherwise dreary holiday season for me.

Never Forget

2011-12-18T16:20:00.000-05:00

This year as you know, Roan put up the Christmas tree and decorated it himself. He decided to put the bookmark from my dad's funeral in the tree as a makeshift ornament.

Jodi surprised me yesterday with a new Christmas ornament for our tree. It seriously warms my heart to know she thought enough about me and the gammet of emotions we will be and have been going through this Christmas and ordered me an ornament for the tree to represent my dad. I have a group of truly wonderful friends in my life. It really is about the little things.

Red Eyed Flies

2011-12-18T16:15:00.000-05:00

In the beginning of summer Eric and I were shopping and came across an item for three bucks. It was guaranteeing that it would catch all the flies in my backyard so they didn't pester us when we sat out on the patio. We opened it and set it up. Mildly disappointed and pretty sure it wasn't going to work. We were right. Not one fly was caught (in the first month or so). But the magic potion that was supposed to lure the flies, reeked. Like a dead fish. So disgusting. We ended up having to put it pretty far away from the patio so we weren't constantly grossed out by the smell of decaying fish. All for naught. Or so we thought...

At the end of August Eric pointed out to me what our 'fishing for flies' expedition yielded. Double ew! The bag weighed about 4 lbs, made up of mostly dead flies. The weird thing was that in the solution, their eyes turned red.

Bathroom Research

2011-12-18T16:01:00.001-05:00

Couldn't find my laptop anywhere the other day. Sometimes Roan borrows it. Sometimes it's Gage. I went looking for it. To no avail. Gage didn't have it and Roan was using the washroom. So after about 10 minutes of looking and coming up empty I decided to pop the door open and see if Roan had seen it. Much to my delight and dismay, he had....

The Holiday Season is Among Us.

2011-12-14T21:31:00.000-05:00

Oh happy holidays! I figure if I keep saying it, eventually I'll believe in it. It's that time of year when friends and loved ones gather to toast and cheer and reflect upon the year. We think about our wins (not too many this year) and our losses (the most profound), our hurts (my heart) and our healings (my soul), and then we look into the future and think about the New Year and decide to believe it can only be better.

So here are my cheers to 2011 and what I am grateful for: I am grateful for my family. They give me strength and comfort. All of them. This year showed me, deep to my core, that my family is so much more than my children, Eric, my parents and siblings. My extended family carved a much deeper resting place in my heart than they already sat. I am grateful for my father and all that he was to me and all that he will remain to me. I am grateful for my in-laws who have welcomed me and my boys into their family. I am grateful for my friends who know even in my absence how important they are to me and still love me. I am grateful for my job and the staff I get to work with. My head is covered by a roof and I am able to adequately feed my family and keep us warm. I am grateful to my cats. Though they make me crazy, they also make me smile.

A few last holiday thoughts: As we sleep in our beds, may we remember the homeless. As we visit with friends and family, may we remember the lonely. And as we sit down to dinner, may we remember the hungry.

Happy Holidays to all those I love and beyond! Cheers to a much brighter 2012!

Love in Mysterious Ways

2011-12-12T12:21:00.000-05:00

Before leaving for Houston, Gage (14 years old) tells me not to get myself massacred. I am pretty sure that was his way of telling me he loved me without any prompting from me.

D'aw, my teenager loves me.

Houston. Houston. Tomato. Tomato.

2011-12-11T23:49:00.000-05:00

Random Facts (at least in Holly's mind):

I am filled with illusions of grandeur. It is not currently 80 degrees here. The high today was 63 and clearly I missed it.

I found myself feeling much more content on an airplane when there was a uniformed pilot sitting in the seat directly in front of me and one sitting in the seat directly behind me.

Louis C.K. should be way more handsome. I would then want to sleep with him. Funny men make me laugh. And laughing makes me.... It really is a travesty that he isn't better looking. Probably doesn't help that he reminds me of my brother. Maybe that's the problem!

Stetsons even run amok in the airport. It didn't take long to come across my first one.

Houston airport gave me my luggage right away. That never happens to me. Nope, not ever.

Company credit cards are lame. What's the point in having one if it isn't going to work!?

I ate dinner alone in a restaurant for the first time in my life. I never want to do that again! It turned out NOTHING like a Hollywood movie. Total let down.

There are way too many hot, expensive, sleek vehicles in this city that keeps throwing how much money is here in my face. I want some in my pocket.

Blockbuster still exists here. Case in point about the loads of money in this city comment.

I think I just cost myself $8. I lifted the mini bottle of JD out of the bar fridge to admire its cuteness. I think I got charged for it. I put it back. It might be too late. I don't even like JD.

I am, however, enjoying a $3.50 can of gingerale from said fridge. I'll try to take more than just three sips.

I feel like I'm laying on the back of a fluffy goose. A smooshy, squishy, fluffy goose. This bed is amazing (said just like Charlie Day would say it)!

The drive into the downtown core of Houston hit me almost as much as driving into NYC does. Almost, but not quite. It was still pretty awesome.

I'm pretty bummed I forgot the camera. All this and I haven't even made it to head office where I have to introduce myself to the "front guard". A guard! I'm gonna admit, I'm a little excited about this. In my mind, he is NOT the same as a door man.

The Ideal Siesta

2011-11-27T23:21:00.000-05:00

Maybe the Mexicans are on to something here...Found this little list of tips for a restful night of sleep at a restaurant we stopped at on our trip to Mexico.

A Little Boy is Excited for Christmas

2011-11-27T22:47:00.000-05:00

Came home from work, exhausted, the other day to find Roan excitedly waiting for me so he could show me something in the living room.

Lo and behold I found out the 50 pound kid dragged the artificial tree up from the basement all by his little old self. And once he got it upstairs he managed to get it put together and standing in the corner of the living room.

While stringing it with lights and decorating it was the last thing I wanted to do on Wednesday night, I felt after all that hard work and clear determination to get that tree upstairs I couldn't break his spirit by not following through on my end. So I frustratingly strung the lights then let him at it. He decorated the entire tree himself. And then he put all the excess lights and decorations he didn't use (the back of the tree is completely bare) back in the basement. I didn't do anything to that tree but hate life momentarily while I strung the lights. This tree is his masterpiece entirely. Pretty much makes me love our tree this year.

Another Sign

2011-11-27T21:58:00.000-05:00

The other day Eric came home after having randomly bought me three scratch tickets. Not terribly normal of him. Two BINGO ones and one Crossword one.

It took me until I'd finished the whole card before I realized that the word KIT was even on it. But more interesting is that it was the only word I actually had completed. I asked Eric if he had picked the card intentionally and he said no, it was tucked in amongst the other cards. So I showed him....

Come on, even as a skeptic I have to believe. There have been just too many 'coincidences'.

I'm watching dad, keep letting me know you're here.

Mind? Blown!

2011-11-22T13:00:00.001-05:00

I love when someone randomly hands me a blog post.

Today during a funeral Erin came to me and said, "I think some man just handed me a huge bag of dope." To which I replied, "WHAT??"

Here's the story:

A man who was dressed in an extremely wrinkled suit (I swear it was balled up in the trunk of his vehicle before he put it on) approached EP with a black canvas zip up bag and asked her to hold on to it while he went into the chapel for the service (an uncommon, but not out of the realm of possibilities, request). Immediately upon taking it into her care she smelled that old familiar scent and came into my office to have the above conversation. Following my disbelief I went to the front desk to find the bag and was smacked in the face by the smell of A LOT of weed.

I moved into the centre office and I (yup, I'm like that) opened said bag to find at least a thousand dollars (street value) of weed broken up into sellable baggies. Intermingled amongst the weed was Axe body spray and packs of minty gum. If those were in there to mask the smell they were failing miserably.

After the funeral we could literally hear him bound down the hall looking for 'his bag'. At this point I replied, "Your bag is making my back office smell like a grow op!" To which he apologized. I asked him how sorry he was a couple of times (trying more so to hint that perhaps he should leave one of those conveniently pre-packaged bags with us to divie up) and then blatantly (after he missed my cues) asking him what the holding fee would be. He stupidly replied, "I'll never come here again." To which I replied, "Bullshit, we'll end up burying you.".

So, he leaves approximately $1000.00 worth of weed with random strangers after bringing it to a funeral for someone close enough that he was asked to be a pallbearer. And our coach driver is a retired Vice cop with Hamilton P.D. (oh of course I showed him!) I have to pose the question...is this the dealers first day on the job????

My mind? Officially BLOWN!

A Chip of the Ol' Block (x 2)!

2011-11-21T11:07:00.001-05:00

What goes around, comes around.
History repeats itself.
Turn about is fair play.
Life has a way of coming full circle.

All those sayings we've heard plenty of times in our lives. And they have frequently been proven too true in many cases. Yesterday seemed to be a day spent having those sayings tossed in my face. My mother always said I'd end up with a child just like me. And I would rue the day.... Seems I have ended up with two children just like me. All I can hear in my head right now is the Count from Sesame Street counting my children and then cackling in his creepy little broken laugh.

When I was a young lass (somewhere around the age of 10), my mom took me to the States with her to do some Christmas shopping. While we were there she picked up quite a large amount of my brother's Christmas presents. Later after I got home, I went snooping in the known hiding spot (parents closet) to see what they had gotten little old me for Christmas. I can't remember now what they were but I'm sure I was smitten at the time. And excited. Not nearly as excited as I would be on Christmas morning I later found out (knowing ahead of time what you got is zero fun on the actual day! Who'd have thunk?). So excited in fact that I was positive my brother would be excited when I told him what he was getting for Christmas too!! Wrong. He was bummed and told my mom that I had told him everything she bought for him on our shopping trip. Needless to say I had to endure the worst lecture of disappointment ever. So much so, that it's one of the lectures from my mom that I actually remember.

So (back to the present tense...), after the eye opener earlier in the evening with Gage (of which I'm feeling mildly better about after having two conversations with him last night and probably more each day), Eric and I made the trek out around 9 to grab some groceries. When we got home, I asked Roan if he'd gone snooping for his Christmas presents and he assured me he had not. Little bugger even looked me in the eye (though not overly convincingly) and promised me that he hadn't. BUT, we all know that parents have ways of finding out these things don't we?? When I went upstairs, it was clear that he in fact had been snooping around and now the kid has gone up and ruined Christmas for himself. So called out on his lie, I proceeded to give him the exact same lecture my mother had given me when I had gone up and ruined Christmas for not only myself, but for my brother as well. Verbatim. By the time I was done, he had responded pretty much the same way I had. With tears and guilt.

I'm about ready to be done with the lectures for a while. Two in one day is enough thanks! I want my little angels back.

In the Need of Some Good Old Fashioned Advice

2011-11-20T19:40:00.000-05:00

So I was well aware this day would come. And I know I am truly blessed that my child still talks to me about this sort of thing or rather just talks to me about it, no 'still' necessary. Tonight, I was made privy (by Gage) to the fact that Gage has drank twice (with the end result, intoxication) and tried weed once (not sure he actually inhaled). All three events occured with the same kid(s).

I'm trying to remember that some experimentation is normal, but I'm stumped on how to make sure he knows where to draw the line. I'm trying not to let irrational fears create unnecessary anxiety for me. Of course I experimented when I was a teenager too, but now this is my kid I'm talking about. And well the rules of the game this time around are completely different. Unlike me, who was impervious to anything bad and totally smart when it came to this stuff, I'm not feeling that same confidence when it comes to him.

I'm grateful that for the most part he doesn't soley hang out with this particular kid. He hasn't ditched his original group of friends (yet!). And I know 'banning' him from hanging out with "Bad Seed" isn't the right approach. He'll hang out with Bad Seed regardless of what I say. So what's the right approach?

I'm reaching out to my friends who are parents of teenagers, my friends/family who have long since raised teenagers and now have adult children, and my friends who don't have kids, but were the experimental teenager. As a parent, how do I deal with this without being overbearing and in his face thus pushing my child away or being far too lenient that I just become an enabler and unknowingly walk him down that slippery slope? Am I panicking right out of the gates? I'm trying really, really hard to remember back to my teenage years and trying to figure out what the best approach would have been for me. Had I been busted.

HELP!!

Parental Jeopardy

2011-11-19T22:51:00.002-05:00

The answer is: Crying. Also called sobbing, weeping, bawling, or blubbering.

The question (answer): What is Holly doing after logging into Facebook and stumbling across the most recent picture her son was tagged in?

Redundancy

2011-11-18T10:33:00.000-05:00

Before I went to Mexico my mom asked me to accompany her to one of her work functions because she didn't really feel up to going alone. Her boss and offered to upgrade her hotel room to a suite so I could join her and bring Eric and the boys along. While we went to dinner Eric and Roan went swimming in the hotel pool and did their own thing for dinner. The suite was alright, and had a fantastic view of the horseshoe falls from our window.

So I thought it pretty redundant that they felt the need to hand prints of Niagara Falls all over the hotel suite. I mean you've got the real deal right outside your glass wall for crying out loud. I mean, I could understand if we didn't have a fallsview room, but... In my opinion, this is redundancy at its finest.

The picture, not so great, but you get the jist.

Coba

2011-11-18T10:25:00.001-05:00

We booked a day trip away from the resort that took us to an archeological site that only recently has started to be unearthed (I believe it's only been for the past 10 years of so). It was/is a town/village called Coba in the Mayan jungle. It took us about 2 hours to get into the heart of the Yucitan territory. We drove through many small communities enroute to our final destination that gave us a more realistic glimpse into how a lot of the citizens of Mexico still live. In small huts with no running water or electricity. A very different world than I am exposed to. Dogs everywhere, strays wandering all around, on the side of the highway even. Sadly we noticed even small toddlers without obvious parental supervision also frequented the side of the highways.

Once we got to Coba, we were assigned a guide for 45 minutes before we were permitted to explore on our own for an hour. Our tour guide Juan is a Mayan. His first language is Mayan, not spanish. He learned spanish in school. He learned Italian and English and French from movies and tv. For reals. He spoke VERY fluent English.

That's a side view of Juan. That mound of rocks and earth and growth is actually a Mayan building that has yet to be unearthed in the restoration process. The Mayan jungle is flat, so anything that resembles a hill or 'mountain' is an old ruin. If they start taking the rocks and trees and dirt away, a building will be uncovered. Pretty amazing. The part of Coba we saw consisted of a small church/temple, a palace, an inverted temple/ball court, an observatory and the main temple of Coba where the sacrifices where made. The life sacrifices in Coba were mainly animals and not too many humans. These unearthed buildings comprise only 1% of the village of Coba. The village construction first began 2-3 hundred years after the death of Christ.

That above picture gives a little more detail about the archeological site. Pretty fascinating and hard to grasp that people lived in these ruins and just how old they actually are. It's surreal to have stood in that spot and wonder who else has also been there.

The above is one half of an inverted temple. On the outside of the temple are rings. The object of the game was to put a very heavy ball through the rings. The game was played in teams. The catch was that the players were not permitted to use their hands, feet or head to get the ball through the rings. They were only permitted to use their shoulders, elbows and thighs. The winners of the game were then sacrificed. It was deemed an honour to sacrifice yourself to the 9 Gods they worshiped. 11 when they added Catholicism. (Jesus and God if I remember correctly). The sacrifice consisted not of dying, but of piercing a blunt object through their penises and pouring their fertility blood to the Gods. When the women were sacrificed, they pierced their tongues and the blood from the tongues and penises was spilled for the Gods.

This is a smaller temple in the Coba Village. Their services were often held here. The 'priests' were at the top and the level you were at on the side of the temple reflected your financial worth in society. As you climb the temple you were in a bowing formation thus showing respect to the leaders. The poor were at the bottom and the rich towards the top. The Mayans didn't believe in Heaven and Hell. They believed in the sky (temples going up), the earth (land they lived on) and the cenotes (underground waters, inverted temples).

This was the ruins of a palace.

This is me and Margie with our Mayan Limo driver, Abraham. He rode the bike, we plopped our lazy asses down in the basket on the front of the bike. He rode us all the way to the big temple so we'd have more time to climb the structure and not miss our bus. He was a total sweetheart.

This big boy was the main reason we wanted to do this trip. It's the last of the Mayan ruins where you are still permitted to climb the structure. The rumour is that each year they (whoever "they" are) keep toying with the idea that they will shut it down to the public. So far though it remains open. There are 120 steps (but some are as big as two feet high) to the top/alter. We vowed to climb it. Easier for me than Margie as she's afraid of heights. But she persevered and we made it. I stopped half way to take a photo and we had a little siesta when we got to the top before turning and looking down at what we'd climbed. Going down was far scarier than going up, that's for sure! In the ancient times the Mayans leaned more towards sacrificing animals rather than humans. Aside from the genital sacrifices of course.

Halfway up, I braved turning around and looking down.

Margie grateful to be at the top. Shaking like a leaf. She was killing me. Which you'll see evidence of in the next photo. I'm such a sweet and supportive friend.

Holy fucken shitballs!! This is awesome!

As I mentioned the climb down was more daunting than going up. You had to position your body accordingly so gravity didn't take over. There was a large rope in the centre for you to hang on to for dear life. Margie took the descent on her ass most of the way but after a few ass bumps down, I thought I'd try it on my feet and I got a pretty good groove going. We later asked Abraham (our limo driver that I introduced at the beginning of this post) how many people fell to their death each year and to please be honest, because I wouldn't believe it didn't happen. He said on average FIVE!! Now is that five lone deaths or one idiot who stumbled and took out four innocent bystanders on the way down? I'll never know. A whole different theory on Mayan sacrifice or Mayan ball games (bowling anyone?).

The view from the top!

After Coba we hopped back in our van and headed to a Mayan community where we were going to be ziplining next. I was very excited needless to say about this portion of the trip. I've never done it and I've always wanted to try it. I was pretty sure I'd need to be pushed off the platform and I was right. But it was uber fun and I'd love to do it again but from even higher and for a longer distance. This one we did was like ziplining from the top of the gorge to the bottom (for those familiar with the Gorge).

Following ziplining we then repelled down into the ravine we'd just zipped over. It was a beautiful little jungle down there. I have to admit the rapelling terrified me more than the ziplining did. Frankly getting pushed off a rock wall backwards is not how I envision spending my day. And going down the line created an intense burning in my hands even with the disgusting gloves they gave us to wear. But I'd still do it again if the opporutnity arises. It was pretty awesome climbing down the side of the ravine wall to the beauty that awaited below.

After hiking back up the ravine to the top, we reboarded our chariot and headed to a secluded area where we then kayaked through a marsh to hike our way through an actual jungle. As we trekked through we stumbled upon a trapdoor spider nest/home. I wasn't sticking around to do a meet and greet. Frankly I had just rapelled and ziplined, that was enough adventure for me thanks.

Part way through our hike we came across a beautiful wooden alter in the middle of the jungle. And shortly after arriving we were joined by a real Mayan Shaman who was going to give us a traditional Mayan blessing on the jungle floor. I didn't give too much of a shit about this either way, but man once he started I was overcome with emotion. Not sure if it was just this whole year catching up with me or what, but I felt like I wanted to stand there and cry. I didn't of course, there were people there I didn't know for crying out loud. That would be embarrassing. Yeesh. And it was really truly interesting to learn a little about the Shaman. He has lived in the jungle since he was about 4. He was raised there. He is currently 76 years old. He lives in a hut just outside of the entrance to the cenote we were heading to. He has no doors, no windows, a thatch roof, no running water, no electricity. He loves it there. He spends his days walking among the animals. And of course coming out and doing these blessing for us fools of the modern world.

And then we reached was we really came for. The CENOTE. And underground cave system with fresh water. The hole we had to descend into was just slightly larger than a rabbit hole. I'm still trying to figure out the day someone decided it was a great idea to go into the little hole. Like who though that was a good idea. Turns out they were right, but still!! Anywho, we had to climb down some make shift 'stairs' backwards holding ropes to get into the actual cave but man, once we did it was breath taking. The photos don't do it any justice at all. I was hesistant to swim in it because well, I'm always cold, and being that this is underground, I assumed the worse. However, I was wrong. The temperature was lovely. And the water so crystal clear that even in poor lighting, you could see the bottom. They believe it's a sprititual pool and I tried to be openminded to everything. It was quite an enlightening experience.

Upon leaving the cenote we headed back to the original Mayan Village and the ladies of the village had prepared us a lunch of traditional Mayan fare. I cannot get over how delicious everything was. I trust it wasn't merely because we were starving at this point. I'm missing the food there so much.

After our lunch, we hopped back into the van with our amazing tour guide Paco and made the two hour trek back to our resort. Of course I got car sick, in typical Holly fashion and required a serious nap when we got back. What a wonderful day!!

Take a Jerk to Work Day

2011-11-16T21:42:00.000-05:00

Just before I went to Mexico it was "Take Your Kid to Work Day" for Gage's school. I have to admit I have been secretly looking forward to this day for about two years now. Never really sure what grade they did it in, but knowing it was coming up. It never crossed my mind that he might want to go to work with his dad instead of me, so the poor kid had no option.

I guess I love my job and I love my kid and I secretly hoped once he spent a day with me, he'd understand how important my role can be in someone's life. And maybe that would make him respect me. Like as a human being and not "the person who gave birth to him so it goes without saying that he is supposed to respect me". I'm pretty sure my goal was not achieved. Though I'm not entirely sure because he barely talks of anything of importance like that. I do, however, know the really important stuff like what the next pair of shoes are he wants and that I am supposed to be saving 10 thousand dollars to give to him on his 16th birthday so he can put it towards his car. You know the real important stuff that lets me know he loves me almost half as much as I love him.

My Name...via Urban Dictionary

2011-11-15T12:41:00.000-05:00

Holly:

1. A word used to describe a beautiful and bright being.
Usually linked to a girl of average height with blonde hair and brown eyes.

Symptoms of being a Holly:
- excessive loudness (no volume control)
- sometimes lives in a fantasy world- believes herself to be a princess
- Tendency to dress in a lot of pastel colours and pink
- Likes to be liked & loves the people closest to her dearly

Other attributes of Holly's:
- Hardworking, motivated and ambitious
- Creative, artistic and emotive
- romantic, confident and passionate

Some may refer to a Holly as Slag/Whore/Loose/'cock on the brain', this infact can be rather incorrect as it is down to a 'Holly' being nothing more than a kinky being!

Most importantly; Holly is another way to explain a 'blonde moment'
scenario- someone loses their cell, cannot remember where they left it, moments later, find it in their fridge.
" Oh my god! That was so Holly of me!"
Blonde, loud, pink, sex, princess

OR....

2. Holly

1. A very cool person
2. A phrase used by someone who just did something incredible. ex. I pulled a Holly!! Wow!!
3. A girl who is extremely cool and should be treated better by her closest friends than she is!
4. A girl who truly knows how to party!

OR....

3. Holly
Like a prickly pear, feisty on the outside, yummy on the inside

4.HollyThat dream girl that you always want, but that will never want you back.

5.HollyTo have forbidden sex. Normally with an intern or minor.

6.HollyVerb - to holly - to appear as though you're doing work, but actually doodling 'knowledge trees' and running a secret network of criminal organizations.

Wow, that's me in a nutshell, but with BLUE eyes....

Soundtracks of Our Lives

2011-11-15T12:28:00.001-05:00

I was browsing through my past notes on Facebook and thought it might be a good idea to copy some of those (or even just parts of them) onto my blog so I have them in the future to re-read. I can't guarantee they'll be on Facebook or even if I will be for the long haul (who am I kidding, I'm so nosy I can't see myself leaving any time soon). So some of you, dear readers, may get a feeling of deja-vu.

The reason I posted the following was because of a conversation I had with a couple about 'their song' (I can't even remember what couple it was!). It got me thinking...

Obviously, as we go through life, situations come up and other people are involved. It's funny how often a song brings memories of a person to the forefront. Like as soon as I hear a particular song the image of a person pops in my head. I’m not sure why it is, or in many circumstances why I think of that person during that song, but it happens EVERY time I hear it. There are some people that pop up with numerous songs by different artists and that’s probably because I’ve known them a lot longer or spend more time with them. More memories are created with them. So I guess that makes sense. And in some cases people pop into my mind at the mere mention of one particular artist or band. I’m not sure if they think of me when they hear the song themselves (probably not) but, if they did that would make it even cooler. I figure, though, there are songs out there that make people think of me when they hear them too. That's a nice thought. I like thinking it.

I'm pretty sure if you shouted out a friend's name I could immediately respond with a song or artist that I associate with said person. One day I'll make a playlist of my life using just my friends. I bet it would be pretty eclectic. Just like the people in my life.

Eating my way through Mexico!

2011-11-11T18:15:00.000-05:00

I'm not gonna lie. I am pretty effin awesome at picking unknown food off of a menu. Everything I've picked this week has been fantastic. Probably some of the best food I've ever eaten. Hands down. Though it's never been a secret my love of Mexican food, when one can't really understand the menu it would be expected that I might flub up on a choice at least once right? So far I've exceeded my own expectations! Here's a running picture of the food we've had this week. Yup, we were those girls (the ones who take pictures of their food). I wish there was an app for allowing one to taste and smell photographs. Kind of like scratch and sniff stickers.

This is a thick tortilla with chicken and veggies.

Tortilla wraps and snopes.

Tomato chicken

Crab salad

Cheesecake, duh.

Room service!

Shrimp Risotto

Fillet (with a bite out of it before I realized I forgot to take a picture) with Green Pepper sauce

Beef Tornado with Julienned veggies

Another steak, can't remember what's it's called.

Mayan Snopes

Hoervos Mexican style!

Yucitan Steak

Mexican skillet. Yum!

And these are some of the yummy drinks I consumed over and over and over again!

Fresh squeezed OJ!

Dirty Monkey

Miami Vice

Mexican Flag

Down in Mexico

2011-11-11T16:36:00.002-05:00

We didn't do any beach lounging -- Margie T and I both being Very White People -- but we did sit in one of the beach 'beds' with the shades pulled around the sides and our towels thrown on the top mesh to block the suns evil rays while we read our books and we strolled the waterfront a couple of times. Unfortunately not enough time was spent truly watching other people. Not as much as I'd have liked any way. I think that's pretty much my favourite vacation activity.

But so you won't think of me as a total slug, we also did a guided day tour of some Mayan ruins in a buried village called Coba. I'll do a separate post about that excursion. It's worth it's own title.

Some things I've learned this week about Mexico (or maybe I just think these things and they aren't actual facts):

-Since they are so close to the equator, the sun rises and sets about the same time year round -- a more-or-less constant 12 hours of sunlight per day. (I could stand for about 16 hours of sunlight a day.) They don't do "daylight savings" here. And by 6 p.m. it's dark outside.

-All yellow lines, solid or dashed, look exactly the same to Mexican drivers. If they want to pass you? Oh, they will pass you. Steep curve, steep hill, or steep curve on a steep hill makes no difference. Fortunately, they are very good at it. I, however, am not the best passenger. The Mexican version of windshield death or grill carcasses is much more intimidating and scary than our pesky little Canadian mosquitoes...take a looksie!

-There are a lot of dogs in Mexico, mostly ones that look like they were crossed with dingos. They just wander, all over the place (so do the children for that matter). I saw two cats. A black one I petted who loved me and then immediately tried to bite me. And an orange one that hung around our favourite restaurant. I fed him so much steak tonight he actually walked away from me. The restaurant staff gave him the moniker "Garfield". He might now have a severe case of gout.

-Most male animals in Mexico are not neutered. I have not seen that many testicles in... ever. C'mon! How can you not look? I even started out the trip with a set of balls on the highway in Canada. Must have been some foreshadowing.

-The water quality is not great. It is not properly purified so it's not recommended for gringos (like me, only I'm not American) with delicate systems to drink, but it is OK to brush teeth with, cook with, wash produce with, etc. I hear it bothers some people but not others. I wasn't taking a chance, especially after taking my first shower and smelling feces. I think I showered in e-coli. Thankfully I don't sing in the shower or my intestines might have revolted.

-The police in Mexico are very corrupt. We were warned immediately on our bus ride from the airport to the hotel. Don't rent a car in Mexico, you become a target for money extortion. They also always drive around with their lights on. All the time. We asked why and were told by many that it was a new rule created by the 'President' of Playa del Carmen ( I think they mean Mayor) to show the tourists all the police presence. That it is safe in Playa. I then asked, "How do you know if you're being pulled over when their lights are always on?" and was answered with "That's a great question! I don't know!" "Maybe all this time I've kept driving and they wanted to pull me over!" Uh, Yikes!

-No alcohol is sold after 2 p.m. on Sundays (Bars and restaurants excluded). Uh, what? After 2 p.m.? Yes, clearly it perfectly acceptable to be intoxicated before church but never after church.

-A dirty monkey is a mono sousous. I'm not sure I'm spelling that right. But I sure like to say it and consume it. (It's a frozen drink by the way)

-Mexicans enjoy both a 24 hour South Park channel on TV and a 24 hour Sponge Bob Squarepants channel.

-There is no seaweed on these magnificant beaches. Turns out they basically sweep it up at night when we are all snug in our alcohol induced slumbers. I love that little bit of extra effort.

-Instead of squirrels running amok they have iguanas. So amazing.

-Forget origami, these Mexicans have mad folding skills when it comes to towels. And if you tip them well enough they leave animal towel surprises for us to find in the hotel room when we return. It's the little things that make our day.

-On our first venture into town, we came back with 5 propostions for Mexican boyfriends, 4 requests to be tattoo'd, one request for drinks, 6 offers of weed and one offer of something better? Cocaine. They allow no excuse for a dull time here!! Today it was just a blunt (no pun intended) "Wanna get high?". I like that straightforward approach though this is the only man I wanted to take home.

-The food here is unbelievable. I'll do an entirely separate post about the food alone. I took so many pictures. I really wish you could taste pictures. The fresh squeezed orange juice from green oranges (irony not lost on me) was like eating an actual orange. And for the first time in my life, we did ROOM SERVICE!!! Usually that's so far out of my budget.

-Their 'paper' money is made of plastic. And I think I might finally have the conversion of pesos to dollars down. Might. Provided it's in bill format and not coins. Coins are still winning the battle. Their plastic money also has a little clear window in it. Money with windows. So much cooler than ours. The Canadian government should take notes on how to make cooler, well...notes for that matter. Hooya!

-When we went for dinner the other night I had to give my last name and when I said it, the hostess in broken english said "Rousseau? Like Karate Kid?" Oh sweet Marcelo you have won my heart. It was then I had to give a lesson in French vs. Italian. But clearly Danny Russo lives on, in Mexico at least. Or maybe it's Ralph Macchio that actually lives on now that I think about it more carefully.

-People come here just to get married. Do they have to come back here together for one last hoorah if they decide to get divorced too? We saw a bride on the beach, a bride at the buffet (I think someone has low standards though I didn't get a look at the groom), a bride in an alley way getting her picture taken in town, a bride in a church and some really annoying, slutty, drunk brides to be.

-Shopping is kitchy. There is a road north of the hotel that is lined with storefronts and set ups almost similar to a festival or outdoor flea market. We were told not to pay the original price ever. Immediately counter the offer at half of what they ask for and then negotiate from there. The prices here are redonkulous! It's almost as if they believe we fell off the turnip cart or something. Most of it is trinkets and trash. I couldn't bring myself to buy much of anything. I got the boys each one thing and Eric a couple of things. The only thing I really wanted was something to do with the Day of the Dead festivities, but they were so expensive. Typical of me. I ended up with a couple Day of the Dead fridge magnets. Such a tourist. They also have a strange obsession with a male appendage. They are everywhere. I took a quick photo inside a shop. It's below. One of those things are not like the other. Can you find what's out of place?

I can't believe how quickly this week flew by. I miss my three boys but I'm also really going to miss this 'lifestyle' as well even though I know it wouldn't be like this if I actually lived here. That being said, I have no doubt that I will be back to this resort and town again. Gran Porto Real is truly the place to be if you are heading to this neck of the woods/world. I'm thinking same time of year in 2012. Though that's when the Mayan calendar starts again so maybe it will be busy or something...but I'll have Eric and the boys in tow. Maybe a separate trip with mine and Margie's moms too! Like I'm actually going to need an excuse to come here. P-lease! Or rather Por Favor!

Mexican Update - More to follow...

2011-11-09T01:11:00.000-05:00

Ah, Mexico! It's funny...not two months ago this was the place I was refusing to visit. Too many news casts on murdered Canadians at resorts might have played a small role in that. But I was talked into it by my friend and travel agent and now I'm so grateful.

The beaches are so breathtaking...white sand. Soft and smooshy and clean. Not like our grey sand and rocky beaches with a bunch of dead fish and kelp and garbage. And the water...I've not ever seen anything like it. The colour of tourquoise. Not even shitting you. I wondered if all the pictures in the magazines are photoshopped, but they're not. Those are the actual colours of the waters.

The weather has been wonderful. To the natives, this weather is 'cold'. It's been, on average, 83 degrees, or 27, whatever works for you. To us, it's heaven. Even when it was raining it was still so warm and lovely. Each morning we get up and retreat to our balcony and watch the skies. Blue, with bulbous clouds and the sun starting to peak out from behind them. By 8 a.m. we can feel the heat. It would be so nice to have a winter home here one day.

The people at the resort have given me, most likely, the best customer service I have ever experienced. This is by far their expertise. I know that as Canadians we are excellent tippers in their eyes (it's hard to break habits), but in my opinion, even though I know the tips are included, they deserve the extra $ and it doesn't bother me in the least to give it to them. The tips also help with ensuring my cup is never empty. And I've been introduced to so many wonderful frozen concoctions. YUM!! I feel like we made some friends here (I know it's there job and it gets them tips, but that's how well they do it!)

The food...is better than I ever would have expected. The ala carte restaurants are delicious. I've eaten steak pretty much every night and it cuts like butter. Dinner rolls with hidden treasures of cream cheese inside them was like unwrapping a Christmas gift you weren't expecting. A pleasant surprise. Of couse the mexican fare has been to die for (not a reference to the influx of dead Canadians abroad, I promise).

I can't imagine coming back to Mexico and not staying at the Gran Portol Real in Playa del Carmen. The location couldn't be any better and the staff are the best! If you are ever thinking of planning a trip down this way, this is the place to be. I have EVERY intention of making my way back here with Eric and the boys in tow.

Holly? Martha. Holly? Martha.

2011-11-05T15:42:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting in the Toronto airport with Margie, waiting to board our flight and I'm perusing my photos and came across this one!

A couple of weeks ago I found a recipe for Broccoli Soup. I thought it looked relatively simple but since I've never made a pot of homemade soup in my life, I had my apprehensions. I tweaked the recipe so it was Eric friendly and we decided to have soup and gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner. Ah, comfort food.

It didn't take very long to make and it ended up being DELICIOUS!! I'm going to make it again for sure. Now that I have the base idea, I can change it up to be Cream of Cauliflower, or Carrot, or whatever!! I felt so domestic.

I think I even impressed my 10 year old who is always harping on me about making meals from 'scratch'.

Parenting Skillz!

2011-11-04T23:51:00.000-04:00

After 15 years, for the most part, of being a parent I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that I have an extreme lack of enthusiasm for playing board games. Or playing with Legos or dinky cars on the floor. All these years of parenting have not turned me into a morning person either. For some reason a decade and a half later I still find I lack the ability to leap cheerfully out of my warm bed when I hear Roan wandering around foraging in the kitchen at 6 a.m. Yup, six in the morning, not at night. Ugh.

I know I still fail miserably at making my kids pick up their stuff with any sort of consistency. I haven't been able to instill in either of my boys the value of a tidy bedroom. I don't overly enjoy housework (though I try to act like it in hopes that I'll subconsciously convince myself otherwise) and nagging someone else to do it is even worse! I've found I have to spend actual energy remembering to nag, and then on the nagging proper, repeatedly, and the shit is still on the floor. I feel like that is just a lot of work in the end.

And then there's school. I'll say it: I hate homework. I hated homework 30 years ago and I still hate it now. I wither with despair and dollar signs immediately float before my eyes every time the large white fundraiser-of-the month envelope shows up in the backpack. They always manage to bring that shit home, but leave the important stuff in their lockers. I still haven't joined the PTA and I don't volunteer in the classroom. And I freakin' loathe packing lunches. I pay $100/month for Gage to buy his lunch every day just so I don't have to slap two pieces of bread together with mayo and sliced cheese. If I could do the same for Roan, I'd be $200 dollars poorer each month.

So there you have it, I am not an Über-Mom so much as a Good Enough to Keep the Authorities Away Mom. So while I'm quite aware that these shortcomings probably drive my lovely boyfriend crazy (non parents are SO judgemental, yeesh!), my kids ADORE me.

I'll take that consolation prize any day.

Nos Vemos!

2011-11-04T23:37:00.001-04:00

Margie and I are skipping town for a week in May-hee-ko or as it's more commonly known, Mexico!!

Neither of us have ever done an all-inclusive and after the year I've had I'm looking more forward to this time away than I thought I would.

Touquoise waters, white sand beaches, bottomless drinks, all you can eat food, Myan Ruins, warm temperatures, shining sun. I can't wait to plop my ass down on a beach chair and a book and make my own "Corona" commercial.

I'm off to burn my lily-white hide to a crisp. Bye!

The Dutch make old chips

2011-10-31T21:09:00.001-04:00

Post Halloween conversation:

Eric: Can I have a bag of your chips Roan?
Roan: Oh, sure. I have a ton of chips. What kind do you want?
Eric: What kind do you have?
Roan: Lots. Doritos... Old.
Eric/Holly: Huh? What? I think he said Old? What's old? He must mean Plain.
Roan (holding) Old Dutch potato chips...Old!
Holly: Oh Old Dutch!
Roan: Oh, Dutch. I'm pretty sure I have a couple Dutch ones. So you can have those ones Eric.
Eric: Thanks dude.

Costume? Party Pooper.

2011-10-25T13:39:00.000-04:00

I seem to have lost all interest in Halloween. Not just this year but for the past few years. (Granted, two years ago I was really into, but that's only because it fell on a Saturday night so Eric and I trapsed up to Boys Town in Toronto and spent the night with the best group of people to ever celebrate all hallow's eve - the gays!!)

Lately it just seems like it's used more and more as an excuse for women and girls to dress like pure slutes. And since my legs are now riddled with cellulite that's not really feasible for me. I am polite you know, and don't feel it's my place to subject everyone to look at my cottage cheese legs. (I just wish others had this common courtesy.) I'm also almost always too cold to wear scantidly clad outfits anyway.

My boys don't even seem to care about it this year either. And while I'm secretly glad that I won't have to spend a fortune on costumes for them, it almost saddens me that this childhood event isn't still holding strong in their lives. I'm also a little disappointed that I won't have two candy bags to root through and steal mini chocolate bars from.

I'm going to try to muster up the strength and excitement to get, at least, Roan into it. He's ten for crying out loud. He should be in countdown mode to Trick or Treating. Not the case. But having just reread that sentence it has occured to me that it will likely be me having to drag his cold (and mine) whiney butt around the neighbourhood so maybe I'll rethink that.

It boggles my mind looking through my friend's posts on Facebook just how much people actually look forward to this time of year. I wish I had the energy. They spend weeks, months even thinking up and creating a costume. They decorate their houses (inside AND outside)! They bake goodies shaped like pumpkins, and ghosts which despite my indifference to the holiday, I'd happily eat. It's so bizarre to me. I'm just so lazy, the thought alone tires me out.

So despite my 'blah' feeling towards the night, I wish all the wanna be ghouls and goblins in my life a wonderful Halloween season. I hope it brings you buttloads of candy and frights galore!! Just living on Gore Street is enough for me, thanks.

Three to the X to the Squared?

2011-10-24T21:23:00.001-04:00

-3x - (-2x) + 4 - 8 + 4x = 3x - 4

That's the type of math homework Gage came home with today but most of it was harder. (I just can't figure out how to make the little squared numbers and then some...) I am so pleased to announce that after spending 3 minutes, tops, on that sucker I was able to figure it out and properly explain it to the 14 year old so he understood it too!

Yeah me!!! I was doubting my stellar math skills during his last section but alas my confidence has returned!!

So Far, Yet So Close.

2011-10-24T21:09:00.000-04:00

Waiting games are no fun. And after this spring I've lost most of my faith in our medical system. I'm trying really hard to push my thoughts to the back of my mind. At some points during the day I'm successful, at others not so much. Moments like these I wish I had more optimism. Sadly, I'm lacking.

I know as I get older there are going to be more and more times like this that creep into my life. I hope with experience I'll get used to them. I highly doubt it though. I'm almost envious of those people who are estranged from their family. Maybe after the anger it all just hurts less.

I'm trying to muster up good thoughts, but I think just ignoring them and pretending it's not happening is easier for my sanity. I'm still broken. Not even close to being repaired enough to go through this rollercoaster of emotions again.

I hope, just like in the far past, that we can slide through these set backs easily. I love my family. ALL of them and this makes my heart hurt all over again.

Please be well.

Anticipation

2011-10-23T21:25:00.000-04:00

It's my blog, so I can write what I want.

There have been many times in the past where I have been sweating and stewing over the impending arrival of my monthly visitor. Now is not one of those specific types of times, but I have been sweating and stewing over its arrival this month. I almost feel like I'm in highschool again. Though my body reminds me that, alas, I am not.

No, not because I fear I may have been impregnated. Though that mere thought make my bowels loose. I've been wishing it to come any time now so that it WON'T join me on my impending Mexico trip with Margie T. in two weeks!

And ladies and germs, she has arrived!! Voici! Voila! Whatever! Now if I can make sure that 'common cold' knows that he and I can't hang until atleast 4 weeks from now, we'll be SUPER!

Black Celebrations

2011-10-22T13:07:00.000-04:00

I don't come from a family with oodles and oodles of old traditions on holidays and special days. Our house was rarely decorated for the holidays. Maybe Christmas lights, but only if my dad was able to get them out and up on a relatively mild day in the Fall. Oh, of course, we had a Christmas tree. Sorry I assumed that went without saying. But really that was the extent of it. Never was my house, growing up, decorated for Valentines Day or Halloween or the likes of those holidays. So I suppose for that reason I don't find a deep desire to decorate my own house now that I'm an adult nor do I feel the need to create 'special' family traditions of my own. Looking back, perhaps I've missed out on creating some fantastic memories with my children. Or maybe they'll just look back on their childhood the same way I do. I didn't need all that 'stuff' because holidays were just fun for me. No pomp and circumstance necessary. They were easy. We spent the day together. We laughed, we cried (if we didn't get the right presents), we smiled, we spent time with each other. That seems to be all that was important to my parents. And that in turn is all that is really important to me. All the other 'stuff' is just bonus.

This year on Father's Day I was compelled to come up with something, anything, to honour my father. Because we didn't currently have an ongoing tradition on Father's Day we had to think of something new. I don't know if what I came up with will stay with my mom, brother and sister, but I will carry on and continue to do it every year. Regardless. This year we each wrote our own letters to our dad, grandpa, husband and we got together as a family unit, we lit a fire and we each burned our letters. We didn't read them, we didn't need to. It wasn't about that. We burned our letters and sent our words to him. After, while the letters turned to ash, we had a toast in his memory with a glass of Coca Cola - his poison. And then we all went home. I think he would have been okay with that.

In December we will be approaching what would have been his 62nd birthday. Funny, and a little off topic, but when I first started in Funeral Services, 62 seemed like an old enough age for someone to die. Now, not so much. Anyway, in December we will be facing the anniversary of his birthday. I hate that every date now regarding him has become an 'anniversary of'. So I'm trying to think of something for myself and the boys (and my mom and siblings too if they wish) to do to honour him and celebrate him. Something simple so we won't just casually drop it throughout the coming years because it's too much work. I also want to come up with something to do the same thing for Christmas. Something different than what we did for Father's Day. He deserves at least three different 'traditions' right?

I have an idea for what I would like to do for Christmas. Something that all of us can participate in when we gather together on Christmas Day to exchange gifts and break bread. It's already going to be an emotionally charged day and I'm so grateful for Gage, Roan, Sebastian, and Sawyer because they will keep the joy of Christmas in our hearts this year. But now I'm struggling to come up with something to do for his birthday. I don't know if we'll all get together (I doubt we will) on the 20th but I feel the need to do something symoblic so the day doesn't just pass us by. So it's not just another Tuesday in December.

It's interesting, all these years we shyed away from traditions, they didn't seem necessary. But now it's all I can think about. Like if I have these traditions they will keep him close to me/us. It's silly but it's a small thing that gets me through the day.

For Eric

2011-10-21T09:36:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I'm not the best at showing my true feelings or even saying them with words even though I know you need me to. I'm flawed.

I know you hate my music with every fibre of your being but I truly believe I could have written this song about you (if I had any talent). It's not very long, I promise. And it won't make your ears bleed. So if you want some more insight into my feelings for you, you'll listen to the lyrics.

I love you Johny Cobra. And don't fear, I WILL car karaoke it for you. No problem.

No Regrets!

2011-10-20T18:40:00.000-04:00

I learned something about myself today. When it comes to my dad, I have no regrets. Sure there are things I wish I had gotten a chance to do with him. But nothing major or life altering. Just the wish for more time together.

There is nothing in my relationship with my father that I look back negatively on and wish things had been different. Honestly. I hadn't given it much thought until this morning. I decided (with the push from my mom) to speak to a bereavement counselor. My main goal was to talk to her in hopes that she could shed some light and ideas on how I can better counsel or talk to my kids (more importantly Gage) about my dad's death. She helped in that area, but since we spent two full hours yacking with each other it was inevitable that my own feelings would eventually be discussed. And in that discussion we I learned that I have no regrets. And there are few other things, I can truthfully say with conviction, that would make me prouder.

I know I'm lucky. I know most people have regrets. Things they can't go back and change after a death. It's actually quite common. I can't remember the last time (or even one in particular) where I got into a fight with my dad. Not even a true arguement. Of course I'm an adult so the odds decrease as we get older, but I can't even come up with one from my teen years. I can think of lots of 'fights' with my parents, but in reality I think it was mainly me and my mom. He probably just stepped in to side with her.

I think I've found another thing to hang on to. I was blessed with a wonderful father but more importantly, a wonderful relationship with my father. We were comfortable with each other and all the dynamics of what our relationship was comprised of. He was a good parent and I am starting to believe I have subconsciously chosen to mimic him in my own parenting skills.

Thanks dad. You are an amazing man, inspiration and hero. You will be with me long past my own dying day. This I will believe.

The Great Escape Artist

2011-10-18T13:00:00.002-04:00

Dropped today. Kind of excited. Not gonna lie.

Coral!

2011-10-03T15:45:00.000-04:00

Me in technicolour!!!

Man I can't wait to finish my ladies tattoo so I can start my LB mermaid. I'm jealous of this awesome tattoo and I'm quite pleased that soon enough I'll be sporting one similar (though mine should have smaller tata's)!

Anchors Away

2011-09-30T10:10:00.001-04:00

As I mentioned in a post a few entries ago I've ~~gotten~~ started a tattoo depicting myself and two of my closest friends. So LB and I discussed a mutual tattoo to symbolize our friendship as well. We decided on mermaids that look like each other. She's got an appointment on Saturday to start hers and I have, probably, one more sitting to finish my first ladies tattoo and then I can start my LB mermaid!!

Here's the drawing of the Holly mermaid. She's so pretty. (Just missing the stomach tattoos...)

Superfan!

2011-09-26T19:32:00.000-04:00

To say I'm a fan of Jane's Addiction is putting it mildly. Though the walls of my bedroom are not adorned with posters of them (because I'm 37!), I've been listening to their music for years now. Probably since 1989 or so. And while I love, love, love Perry (and the boys) it makes me nervous to even think about meeting him (or any of them for that matter) face to face. I think I'd make a total ass of myself and come off looking like a complete moron. I can't think of another musician off the top of my head with as unique of a voice as him. I could listen to him sing all day.

I'm stuck on which, Jane's Addiction's self titled album or Nothing's Shocking, is my absolute favourite album but it's safe to say those two top my list. Ritual was awesome, but I was left slightly disappointed with Strays and only mildly more impressed with Kettle Whistle. So you can appreciate my apprehension when I found out they were releasing a new record. I feel like I've been let down by them just a little too frequently lately.

HOWEVER, on my XM radio today I happened to overhear their new release Irresistible Force and can I just say, I LOVE IT!!!???!!!?? I've listened to it about 20 times in the past hour. Yup, I'm like a 5 year old.

Check it bitches! You won't be sad. http://janesaddiction.com/

Text Messages from Heaven

2011-09-24T16:26:00.001-04:00

One day, not long after my dad died, Eric and I were having a conversation about him. We decided at the last minute to take a detour on our way home and stop for some fruit at the fruit market. In the middle of our conversation we were about to drive under a train bridge. There happened to be a train going over the bridge as we neared it. At the exact moment we were to go under the bridge we both noticed the word "DAD" spray painted in graffiti on one of the rail cars. It silenced us, though we questioned if it was truly a sign from him.

A month or so ago Eric and I were sitting outside playing a game of Scrabble. We were starting a new game and I had just picked out my seven tiles randomly. They were balled up in my left hand. I pulled each tile out one at a time and set them on my tile holder from left to right. R...P...C...A...K...I...T. I was dumbfounded. I paused, looked up at Eric and told him I needed to show him my tiles (My dad's name is Kit). I asked him if he thought this was a 'sign'. He thought it was and informed me that I, too, should take it that way.

Yesterday morning I was using the laptop to check my account balance with my online banking. As I typed the bank's website into the address bar I glanced down to wait for my screen to load the banking information and there was my dad's web page. I do my banking with a facility that starts with "P". My dad's name could have started with "K", "C" or "R". If I'm really grasping the domain website could have started with "D", "M" or "H". Nothing with a "P". Eric said it's likely since my dad's web page is saved in our favourites that the list popped down while I wasn't paying attention and I accidentally hit his link with my finger on the tablet. So, I went into Favourites and he's right, it's in there but so were about 7 others and his was three down in the list. I find it interesting that this whole thing would even have happened, let alone that I managed to 'scroll' down to the third one and just happened to pick his.

After talking to the minister who works at the church next to our funeral home about it yesterday, she told me she thought my dad was basically slapping me in the head with these signs. And if I'm open to receiving them I'll probably start getting more. I can't be closed off to the idea.

Were these three separate occurrences signs, or just coincidences? A message, or just something that happened? With no way of text messaging us from beyond the grave, would my dad be forced to rely on something as inconclusive, as inconsequential, as these things in order to communicate with me ("I'm still here!")?
Butterflies, rainbows, wind chimes that sing when there is no wind, garage doors that go up and down for no reason...we've all heard people talk about signs they believe they have received from the beyond. I suspect they are shared very tentatively for fear that they will be "poo poo'd" by a skeptical listener (often myself, though I've been able to hide it pretty well in the past). Now having lived through my own tragic experience I think I'm trying to become a 'believer'. I think it will help me experience a more positive movement through my grief. The knowledge that my dad is still with me and my family gives me the hope I so desperately need just to get through the bad days.

The thing about "signs" is that there always seems to be another explanation. Be it a coincidence, randomness, wishful thinking; a story misinterpreted, details left out or embellished in the retelling. I've heard theories that children are more susceptible to receiving signs from the grave. Perhaps it's because they haven't yet had education taint their 'what ifs', or they aren't cynical of the world yet. Their imagination is still an integral part of their beings.

I'm going to try really hard to be open to the possibility that my dad is contacting me in these little ways. I hope my mom finds a way to open her mind up to the possibility of signs because I have to believe he's sending them to her too. He's letting me know he's still around. He hasn't gone too far. Just far enough that I can't touch him, or see him or have a real two way conversation with him anymore. But, he's got my back, even if I didn't win that particular Scrabble game.

I Am

2011-09-24T15:39:00.000-04:00

My heart hurts. I have no words right now. But clearly he does....

Make the Right Decision!

2011-09-23T09:37:00.000-04:00

http://www.torontosun.com/2011/09/22/boy-bullied-to-death-dad-says

I read the article above this morning and I cannot get over how much it has upset me. Perhaps it is because I have a child around the same age and I can't imagine having to go through what this father has gone through.

I posted a note on Facebook tagging the friends of Gage that I have on my account. I truly like them and respect them and I would hope with all of my heart that they would NEVER behave the way this 12 year old bully and his friends have behaved.

I hope Gage, his friends, and every other kid will read the article and truly think about their actions. It only takes a quarter of a second to smile at someone in the hallway. I'm not suggesting (you) have to invite them to hang out with your group (though that would be so nice) but a mere smile can "make someone's day". Please don't be that person who feels better about themselves by destroying another person's self esteem. Please know that the smallest good will extended to someone who is considered the 'nerd', the 'geek', the 'loser' should be what makes you feel better about yourself. Please understand that how you treat another person makes a difference in their life. You may think your actions and behaviours towards another might have no impact on them but you are SO wrong. If you see one of your 'friends' behaving this way do not be afraid to stand up for the victim and tell your 'friend' that sort of behaviour is inappropriate and does not make them cool in your eyes but the true loser. Make yourself, your parents, me, and your community proud of your actions, not embarrassed or ashamed of your actions.

I'm not asking you to change the world, just make the right decision and change ONE person's world.

Fun in the Sun

2011-09-17T13:27:00.000-04:00

So Margie and I were determined this year to get away on a vacation together. We decided to do an all-inclusive as neither of us has done one before. We planned for the second week of November.

Yesterday we booked our trip. I cannot tell you have truly excited I am. It will be nice to hang with her for a solid week and have no real agenda and no guilt when I spend a lot of time loafing.

We had our minds set on one thing but after speaking with our friend who is also a travel agent, we were swayed to something else. Something that sounds so much better and more suited to us.
We are booked at The Gran Portal Real. I'm excited to be able to quickly and easily venture into the little towns adjacent as well as explore the awesome Mayan sites of Tulum, Chichen-Itza, Coba and Xcaret (the Mayan Riviera’s ecoarchaeological theme park.

I just need to pick up some 100 SPF sunblock. I'm not sure which one of us thought it was a brilliant idea to send the two fairest people we know this close to the equator. My skin is going to hate me.

Cobra - 1, Job Search - 0

2011-09-17T10:55:00.000-04:00

So Eric is finally finished the book! I know, I know it's very difficult to believe, but this time I think it's true! So that was as of Thursday. On Friday he got a job. Not the job he wants. A job he is settling for. But a job with a regular paycheck on a regular payday.

He had to ask himself if being unemployed but holding strong to his dreams was better than working a menial job with a regular pay. Which one would crush his emotional being more? I suggested he take the menial job and continue to look for the job of his dreams. Only he can determine if he's going to get into a rut and stay there.

I know I'm more optimistic (What, you say? Not like me, I know) about all of this than he is, but I'm so glad he was only 'unemployed' for a day. That's exciting. Especially in today's times. And just the job search alone can crush one's soul.

So congratulations honey!!! You're going to be great in whatever you do!

Another Thing Missed

2011-09-17T10:48:00.000-04:00

Two weeks into high school and we're $400 dollars poorer. That's not even from buying new school clothes and supplies. Gage made the football team!

He's been going to tryouts and practices since the week prior to school even starting. I'm liking his determination. Anyway, he found out he made the team. I'm still not sure yet what position he'll be playing but it will likely involve running, since he's pretty fast.

I believe his first game is next week but I suspect I won't get to attend too many as they are usually in the afternoons. Probably not a bad thing since it will be crazy cold soon and I have NO idea how the game of football works.

This news comes to us with bittersweet emotions. I'm so glad and happy for Gage that he made the team. He wanted to so badly. I'm so relieved that he's getting involved in school activities, because I'm pretty sure in order to have a great high school 'career' you need to be involved. I want his memories of high school to be great (like I have of my years).

The overwhelming sad feeling I have that he made the team goes back to my dad. Of course. Yet another thing he's missing out on that he would have been totally stoked about. My dad was a huge football fan. In fact when my brother was born one of the first things my dad got him was a football and his hope was that my brother would be a football player. That didn't come to fruition but they did enjoy many hours together watching other people play football and my dad was content with that. I just know though he would have been elated to learn of Gage making the football team and he would have done his damnedest to be at as many games and practices as possible. So for that reason I'm bummed. I'm bummed that his 'dreams' for his son skipped past him and landed on his grandson and he's not going to be here to partake in the excitement with us. I'm sad that he won't be able to share tips with Gage and 'coach' from the sidelines like he did in soccer. I'm truly upset that I won't hear his screaming and yelling (all in positive ways of course!) from the bleachers and neither will Gage or anyone else for that matter. I'm depressed that I didn't get to see his face as Gage told him. I can only imagine the smile....

He was taken way too early.

High School Hair Cut

2011-09-17T10:34:00.000-04:00

Just before school started I took Gage to get his hair cut. We assumed he'd just get a trim and wear it as he has for the past 6 months. However, because there was a 20 minute wait or so I skipped across the street to the drug store leaving him alone to peruse the style book, and when I came back he shocked me by suggesting he might cut all his hair off. Gage hasn't had 'short' hair since he was about 7.

He was fretting over it so we posted it to Facebook to get a judgement call from his peers. The results came up 50/50 for shorter or leaving it longer. No helps basically. I did inform him it didn't matter which way he went because he'd look good in either and left the decision for him to make. He hummed and hawed over it until the moment his ass hit the chair and decided. Lob it off.

The above is how it turned out and it looks awesome. He looks older than 14 now. :( He came over to me after and told me we needed to go home so he could change his t-shirt as he was sweating profusely while she cut it all off. That kid makes me laugh.

The funniest thing is no one recognized him right away, including his own father. It's such a transformation.

Geek Kitties!

2011-09-13T09:05:00.000-04:00

So we've been on a 'mission' to build our own kitty tower for a few months now. Roan drew up a drawing of what he would like us to build. It was so big it would have monopololized my entire bay window. We scaled it down keeping the look relatively the same. We were so busy this summer (yeah!) that we didn't really get a chance to work on it too much. Well last night I stumbled across a design that I am leaning towards...something to appease me and my need to 'hide' things and something to appease the geekiness of Eric.

A TARDIS kitty tower from Dr. Who!! How ingenious.

I have faith that Eric can build this. Now I just need to find him some time to do it between job interviews!

Cobra on the Move

2011-09-07T16:00:00.000-04:00

Eric sent out a bunch of resumes to some job postings this weekend and he scored himself an interview and a 'job testing'.

The interview he landed was for a landscaping company in the Region. We looked through their website and were very impressed with the work they have done and he thought he would enjoy spending his days doing that sort of thing. I particularly liked the idea of him honing those skills and then being able to come home and mimic them in my yard!

So last night I asked him what he planned on wearing to the interview and he said he was going to ask me what he should wear. I, of course, said a suit! As this is a job interview and you never get a second chance to make a first impression. He disagreed with me but heeded my advice. Little did I know that not every prospective employer is looking for you to come dressed in a suit. Hmmp! Eric told him it was easier to agree with me and wear the suit than to try to convince me otherwise. Basically he blamed the suit on me. I'm still standing my ground here.

Over all it seems the interview went well. My fingers are crossed for Eric that he is offered the job. I think he's going stir crazy just sitting at his desk doing the book renderings. It will be nice for him to get out of the house and do some physical labour and work on the book drawings on the side this time around. The prospective employer was aware and interested in the idea of Eric working on design drawings for him in the future. So that's a feather in his cap I think...

The 'job testing' is tomorrow with a guy who does stucco. (I also like the idea of Eric honing his stucco skills because down the road I'd like to redo the siding on my house in cedar board and batan and stucco. But this isn't about me now is it?) He's not too sure about the idea of doing stucco day in and day out but if it's offered to him and that's his only option for the time being I think he'll take it and just keep looking. It sounds like the guy who does this can be difficult or hard to please based on the phone call Eric had with him today. He thinks the guy he was testing out today is a "f*&king ret#*d" and didn't hesitate to tell Eric that. You have to wonder what kind of decorum and tact this guy has. Anyway, I figure either they'll hate each other or love each other. Could go either way.

So here's hoping something good comes out of these next few days for Eric. He sure does look handsome in a suit and tie, but I'm guessing he doesn't want to have to squish into it too frequently.

Fun Times Fall!

2011-09-06T11:01:00.001-04:00

Because I found great success with creating a list for the summer of things I wanted to accomplish, I've decided to do the same thing for the Autumn season as well. I am aware that I didn't complete every item on my summer wish list, but I did manage to scratch a lot of them off.

So here goes! I may, from time to time, add to my Autumn wish list, but here's what I could think up for now.

1. Watch as Roan scores his first goal in soccer.
2. Attend at least one of Gage's highschool football games.
3. Get a pedicure.
4. ~~Book my all inclusive vacation with Margaret.~~
5. Get on a plane and head to warmer climates.
6. Spend a morning or afternoon at the spa.
7. SAVE MONEY for next year's vacations.
8. Get a sunburn. (Not a bad one, just one to keep my freckles from fading)
9. Go on a road trip (even if it's just for a day)
10. Build a kitty tower.
11. ~~Go dancing!~~
12. Finish my "Girlies" tattoo.
13. Start Christmas shopping.
14. Clean out all my closets.

That's good for now. Not nearly as exciting and fun as my summer list, but a list none the less. Now to start scratching things off!!

Part-time Empty Nester?

2011-09-05T12:49:00.000-04:00

I anticipated that this 'day' or time would eventually come. The day the issue of my kids living with their dad on a full time basis or even on a permanent part time basis was inevitable. I guess I also knew merely the thought of it would make me sad. I never counted on feeling bitter too.

I have to be careful what I write here and I am almost most bitter about that. I've been 'spoken' to about what I write about my ex (the father of my children) on my OWN blog because he feels I don't paint him in a good light and that people will think "badly" of him.   I have explained to him that anyone who reads my blog and who also knows him should know if he's a good person or bad person by now and anyone who reads my blog who doesn't know him wouldn't give a shit about him. So their opinion shouldn't mean anything to him. Irregardless, I've thought about what I want to write about this subject and I'll try to be VERY diplomatic.

As I said, I knew this time would eventually creep up on me. My kids are getting older and have social lives. They are spending less and less time with us, their parents, and more time with their friends. It's no skin off my nose because they live with me. Seven out of ten times they (along with their friends) are hanging at my house at some point. They come home to me at the end of most days. But I get it when their father says he wants them on a 50/50 basis because he doesn't feel he gets to see them enough between his set times and their social lives. I get it but I don't like it.

It only bodes the following questions from me. And even though I ask these questions I want so badly to believe it's just that he feels he's missing out on stuff and wants to be included. I could understand that.

Is this just about not having to pay child support anymore? Because if they are with each of us 50% of the time then it's obvious no child support will change hands. And I'm fine with that. I've always said from the get go that I can't complain about anything money related about my ex. He's fulfilled his duties when it comes to that department. I can make a comment that I've been more than accommodating to him, and his situations, in the past and have never increased his payments in the 10 years we've been apart, but I already know that. (See that? Passive aggression at it's finest! It's my blog though. I can write what I want. haha) I am going to try REALLY hard to believe this isn't an issue of money.

I know he thinks he can do a better job than me when it comes to raising our kids. He's made that crystal clear in the past. I think he's the only one who thinks that but whatever. I guess my response to try to convince myself that his words don't hurt me is to reinforce to myself how wonderful my kids are, and even though we both play a role in how they turn out, they spend far more time with me so I want to believe that my influences outweigh his. Perhaps, he doesn't feel the boys are as great as they are and that is as a result of the time they spend with me. Perhaps he feels he can turn things around if he gets them more frequently at still a fairly mold-able age. Perhaps he sees that his influence on them doesn't run as deep. I don't know that statement to actually be true as I see tons of him in his kids, but maybe that's how he feels.

I know how much I would miss them if I only saw them for a couple solid days every two weeks. So I guess I want so badly to believe that is his true intention behind this request. I want to believe there are no ulterior motives and nothing his says to me will convince me otherwise (so don't bother trying). I need to feel it to believe it. I have too much of a past with him, it's hard for me.

He hasn't lived full time with Gage since Gage was 4 1/2 years old. He hasn't lived full time with Roan since Roan was 9 months old. Up until a couple of years (I might be being generous) he hasn't even tried to get more time with them. So I guess it makes me question, why now?   Is it because they are so much easier now? Because when they were lots of work and much smaller and it wasn't permissible to leave them alone he never stepped up to the plate to take them more frequently than what was outlined in our separation agreement. In fact he bailed on them quite often because he worked too hard and was tired, it was too hot at work and he was exhausted and not feeling well, he was stressed out and depressed, he needed 'me' time, he had an opportunity for overtime...I've heard them all. It's unfortunate and he probably won't remember any of that this way, but he needs to do whatever it is he does to feel better about the situation. So now when they are entirely self sufficient and small versions of adults, and easy to take care of and talk with, now he wants to be a semi-full time father.

He tells me this wonderful idea of them living with each of us 50% of the time will also give me a break. Almost as if this is a selling feature. Maybe he's transposing his thoughts and feelings on to me (as he truly believes this) but I'm not asking for a break. I enjoy having my kids around me. Maybe Eric would agree with Rob and welcome the week on/week off idea but not me. I like having them here. I love having them in my life on a consistent basis. They are my life, they make up the better part of me. It's all I know. It's been like this for 15 years. I don't welcome this potential change.

I guess I'm bitter because I question why it never dawned on him to be a semi-full time father during the difficult, time consuming, high maintenance years? Those years got handed to me and I was made to deal with them. How come now when everything is so much easier and they're never around is this important to him? How come now he wants to take my kids from me?

I know, I know...I'm being melodramatic. He's not trying to steal my kids from me. But I've earned the right to have them full time. I stepped up to the plate from the beginning of this whole situation and I never waivered from my decision. I could have made the same decision he did and demanded only a part time visiting schedule. He could have made the same decision I did and demanded a full time visiting schedule. But I didn't and he didn't. If he wanted them on a 50/50 basis then it should have been so since the beginning. I would have known no different. I would be adjusted to it at this point and accepting and not bitter.

So those are MY feelings on the subject. I guess I'm also hurt that he went behind my back and offered this option to both boys without speaking with me first or giving me the heads up. As if they would ever want to tell him no. There is no way they'd want to hurt his feelings and say they are content living where they live. Why does he want change all that they know? He's put them in a very awkward situation where they have to choose and hurt one of their parents. I don't believe he has been fair to them. If they had come to him or I and brought the subject up themselves, then that's fine. But he's put them in a position where they have to choose and choosing will hurt one of us. I don't think he's realized that.

So again, MY THOUGHTS and MY FEELINGS on the subject. It's MY blog and I can write what I want to write. I don't want to talk about my feelings with him or justify my thoughts to him. They are what they are and please don't try to take these feelings away from me.

So all of that being said. I am hurt and bitter but I will completely support whatever decision my children make about where they would like to live. I will try to keep my feelings quiet to them. In hopes that knowing how much I'll be hurting won't sway their decision. But I will make it very clear to them how much I would miss them and how much I love having them live with me. I wouldn't want them to leave my house feeling that I was glad for this change and glad to have a break from them. I will make sure they completely understand how important they are to me and have been to me from the moment I gave birth to them. They will know that they always come first. Before everything else in my life.

Girlies part deux!

2011-08-28T11:01:00.000-04:00

So here's a more recent picture of my new tattoo. Maybe one more sitting til it's done!! Then on to another idea I'm sharing with Lesley!

Carousal of Life

2011-08-24T11:58:00.000-04:00

A couple of months ago my mom's two aunt's inquired about planting a tree in memory of my dad instead of doing a donation. After some discussion we decided to have a tree planted in the park beside the old carousal in Port Dalhousie. We've all been there with my dad at some point and the park and beach will be there forever so there is no risk of the tree being cut down in the future.

My aunt's selected a Little Leaf Linden and it was finally planted a couple of weeks ago. Mom, Geoff, Dawn and I headed over to spend a few quiet minutes together and then we went for lunch, just the four of us.

We are all still struggling along. His death has left us with a huge void and feelings we don't really know how to address. But the simplicity of a tree, to me anyway, is magnificent. It's just a tree, and I know it's not him and he's not likely to be hanging around it, but for some reason I find comfort knowing it's there. We haven't buried my dad's ashes yet. My mother is comforted by having him with her at home. So aside from the tree (or my mom's house - where I think it would be awkward to just show up to and ask for some private time with his ashes so I could talk to him) I don't have a place yet where I can just go and sit and talk to him, even if I just talk in my head. So for the next while, until a decision is made on whether or not we're burying him, I'll pick the tree as our meeting place.

Girlies

2011-08-24T11:02:00.000-04:00

Having friends who are talented enough to be tattoo artists is a wonderful perk in life. Especially if you like tattoos. I've gotten three new tattoos this year alone and I still have two other ideas I want completed that are front and centre in my mind. I'm starting to run out of hidable body parts though.

Here is my latest. Since this picture was taken I've had cherry blossoms and some colouring added but I still have one sitting left, I suspect, until it's completely done.

It's a rendering done by the talented Esther Sanchez of Margaret, Jodi and myself. We've been planning this tattoo for a couple of years now and I'm very excited to actually be almost finished. Both Margaret and Jodi plan to get the same tattoo for themselves as well.

That's me on the left, Margie in the middle on Jodi on the right!

Slacking

2011-08-24T09:13:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I'm just not the best girlfriend in the world. I know this. I know my shortcomings. And he still loves me.

Sailing Away

2011-08-20T22:06:00.000-04:00

So when I made my list up of things I wanted to do this summer I added garage sailing with Margaret to my list. More so to spend more time with Margie as I was really and anti-garage sale person. I went out with Margaret and her mom the first time in July and continued to do so for a few weekends following the initial outing. I have actually found some really, truly, sweet scores on my adventures. I should have taken pictures of every garage sale find I have (and maybe I still will)...

The past few weekends I haven't made it to Welland but I did try to go garage sailing one weekend with Roan. Eric decided to join us. I scored a couple sweet things for my nephew Sebastian and then Roan proceeded to barf all over himself. So after making him sit in his puke (he volunteered, I'm not that terrible of a mom) while I hit a couple more sales enroute home we cut the morning short.

BUT, let me tell you about this morning's trip! It's the absolute best one yet. And it was totally spontaneous. We've had my friend Tess here for the weekend with her three boys. We decided since the boys wake up super early anyway we might as well hit this garage sale we saw advertised earlier in the day. It was promising to be BIG.

Her one son Hank did not want to go with us. He wanted to go to Walmart and buy a HALO toy. I said maybe they'll have HALO toys at a garage sale (knowing I've yet to come across one in my travels) and he said not likely. I did agree and say he's probably right, but you just never know....

So the first sale we hit I stumble across a sweet wooden antique sled/toboggan that would be lovely for our nephew Felix (and when he's done with it and they give it back to me it will make an awesome planter box), and an amazing wooden naked woman nut cracker for Eric. I walk over the the neighbours as they too had a sale on and immediately spot a HALO toy (not even out of the box!). I call Hank over and he's crazy stoked. Then I notice they have a BBQ marked Free at their sale and inquire if it works as mine just shit the bed three days ago. It does and I lay claim to it. We then move on to another sale and Roan walks away with three light sabres and I spot a four drawer filing cabinet that would be perfect for work for $5.00. I call work and make arrangements for them to come retrieve it and carry on our way.

We got the BBQ hooked up and my broken one out to the curb. Came home from a day playing tourist to find my old one gone from my lawn and sparked up the 'new' one and it works like a charm. Much better than my old one ever did!!!

I'm so crazy excited about my finds today. Less than $20. spent on everything. Can't beat that!!!

All over emotions...

2011-08-10T14:14:00.000-04:00

When my dad died I asked myself, and was asked by others if I thought I could continue doing what I do for a living or if it would make me mental. I decided - 1. My experience would make me better at what I currently do, as I will now truly understand what someone is going through, and 2. My dad would be very disappointed in me if I used his death as an excuse to give up a career I still very much loved. So I'm still here and I was right...it has made me a better person and funeral director.

Eric pointed out to me a while ago that I was subconsciously pushing my emotions to the back of my mind during the week, and when my emotions overwhelm me it tends to happen on the weekends when I'm not at work. I think I'm doing what I need to do to survive my work week.

My dad is always front and centre in my mind when I'm alone. Be it in my car, just falling asleep, anywhere when I am alone with my thoughts. I used to dwell on stuff I had no control over or think about inane things when I had this private time, but since April 9th, he is who I think of when it's just me (and him).

Anyway, this past couple of weeks I've been feeling lousy physically and kind of melancholy. I had the last week of July off and the boys were with Rob so it was just Eric and I. We had no real plans and basically just hung around the house. I read a lot, we played Cribbage, we just chilled. I was feeling blaise over all. I couldn't put my finger on what it was but I suspect it was just a lousy week emotionally for me. I had nothing major to occupy my time and thoughts, so I often found myself thinking about him. And thinking about him makes me both want to smile and very sad at the same time.

Eric wants me to go see my doctor about feeling physically ill, but I secretly (though not so much anymore) wonder if my physical ailments aren't a direct cause of my emotional ailments. (Saying that out loud to anyone would make them want me to talk about my feelings though. I don't do that so well...) I don't 'feel' depressed though...but perhaps I've just pushed my feelings so far to the bottom that they are manifesting themselves through my physical being. I don't know.

Four days after my dad was diagnosed, a woman walked into the funeral home to do her pre-arrangement. She had been diagnosed with same thing my dad had earlier that morning and she too was given a grave prognosis. She was the first person I had dealings with, at work, following the blow our family had been dealt and since she too was going through the exact same thing as my own father it was a difficult arrangement and I cried a lot after she left. She has stuck with me in my mind. I have spoken to her husband on a couple of occasions following our initial meeting so I have been aware of the steps she has taken and I kind of know where she's currently at in her fight with the big C. On Friday, she randomly popped into my head and I wondered how she was making out. I wondered how she was doing mentally, I wondered how her kids took the news, I wondered how her husband was coping. I smiled and hoped she was doing ok as it's been 4 months since I met her and I still haven't received the call, so that's good news!

On Saturday a co-worker texted me to tell me she died, early in the morning. I have never in my 14 years been so affected by the death of a 'stranger'. My physical ailments seemed to get worse...my mood remained blah. I met her daughter on Monday at the funeral home and started crying in the hallway while I was talking to her. I have never done that before. Yesterday was the four month anniversary of my dad's passing. Today I buried this woman. I stood at her grave and I wept. I wept for her. I wept for her husband. I wept for her daughters. I wept for her grandchildren. I wept for my dad. I wept for me.

I'm not feeling any peace right now.

I think about this woman and the horrible things she went through physically and emotionally since I met her in April. And I wonder... Was my dad better off? Was he the lucky one for only getting 12 days? Were we lucky for not having to watch him suffer any longer than he did? Or was she the lucky one? Lucky because she had the time to write all of her family individual letters letting them know how important each of them was to her? Lucky because they all got to go to Disneyworld together for one last family vacation? Lucky because last week she got to take her grandchildren to the drive-in to see Cars 2 and the Smurfs movie? Lucky because she suffered in pain for four extra months physically? Lucky because she fought her mind for four months longer? Lucky because of what the cancer did physically to her body?

I don't know that answer. I do know this. I'm jealous and that makes me selfish. I'm jealous her husband, daughters and grandsons each have one last letter. I was jealous looking at their family photos from Disneyworld. But I was grateful that my father didn't go through the physical changes that she went through. I'm so grateful that my father looked like my father. For my sake, but more importantly for my children's sake.

I am a ball of emotions and today was a rough day for me. I wasn't able to separate work life and home life today. Today I was weak. Today I was human. Today I was a daughter who has lost her dad. All over again.

Hook, Line and Sinker!

2011-07-27T21:35:00.000-04:00

A couple of months ago I stole a brilliant idea from my sister in law and created a summer wish list of all the things I would like to attempt to do through my favourite months of the year. I've come to decide (after the loss of my dad) that life is FAR too short and sometimes just the simplicity of creating a list to help us stay focused on what is important is all that's needed.

I'm a Virgo. Lists and organization is ideal to me. It comforts me. I'm at peace with both. So I keep coming back to my list and smile as I cross off yet another item. I know this is probably the last summer where I'll basically have both boys at my disposal to do things with, even if they bitch about hanging with us and not their friends.

So as I look through my list, I'm pleased as punch with the number of items I've been privileged to state I've accomplished. One of those said items was taking my boys fishing.

Let me back that statement up to let you know that I have NEVER been fishing in my life. Nope, never. Back in the spring I was approached by a sales rep for a distributor we use at work and offered the opportunity to go on a fishing charter with my kids for a day. I thought, meh, what the hell? It's better than a kick in the ass.

So after a failed (gratefully) attempt in June to take them we finally got out on the waters this past weekend. The weather was perfect. Calm with just a slight breeze, and the waters were serene. We headed out to the middle of Lake Ontario at 6 a.m. so the sun was right where we wanted it to be. Low. The boys both tried to get out the trip and hurt my feelings immensely in the process but I dragged them along after Eric laid them both with guilt trips and I refused to speak to them.

We met up with Steve from Fish Trap Charters in Port Dalhousie and headed out. Within 1/2 an hour we had pulled in our first fish of the day. Well Roan did. She was too little to keep so we snapped a picture and tossed her back in to be caught another day. We were quite successful throughout the whole day. The second fish we pulled in was reeled in by yours truly and it was a beaut. She was a Rainbow Trout and she weighed 15 lbs once we got her in. She fought me tooth and nail the entire time, flipping all over the place. I thought my left arm was going to burn off from the extreme workout I was giving it and almost felt close to how I felt when I was in labour trying to push my first kid out. I felt drained and tired and sure that I didn't have an ounce of strength left in me to finish the job. I did though. And I'm gonna EAT her too!!

The boys both had the opportunity to reel in a butt load of fish themselves which was great because it kept the trip enjoyable for them. Eric, who didn't want to catch any fish got caught up in the excitement and decided he too wanted to take a crack at reeling one in. And one he caught! She was a fighter, she pulled almost all of his line out and was probably closer to Hamilton than the boat, but he dragged her back in kicking and screaming. Got her all the way up to the back of the boat where Steve was waiting with the net and she snapped the lure. Gone. Just like that. Steve reckoned she was over 20 lbs. Man, that loss stung for the rest of the day. He felt a sense of redemption when he reeled in an 18 lbs salmon towards the end of the trip.

By the time we turned to head back to dock we figure we had about 100 lbs of fish and once Steve filleted it all for us, we are pretty sure we walked away with about 50 lbs of eatable meat. So now my freezer is full of trout and salmon. I've given some away and likely will give away more because I don't want it to be wasted.

Anyway, it was a great 5 1/2 hours on the water with Eric and the boys and Steve was an amazing host and I would HIGHLY recommend his services to anyone who would be interested in this sort of activity. Eric and I are thinking of going out with him again with our friends Jon and Laura sooner than later. Jon is a fisherman and would probably get a kick out of it.

I'm so grateful to the sales rep who put me onto this idea. I honestly would have never given this a thought otherwise and I'm so glad we got to experience it. The boys even admitted that they had fun and enjoyed it as well!! Double score!

Sister Sister

2011-07-22T12:45:00.000-04:00

I'm only posting this picture because my sister has heard so many times that she looks like me in photos and I've rarely heard the same said about her. I stumbled across this photo from PRIDE and I immediately though, "Holy shit, I look like Dawn in this picture". So this one is for my sister.

PRIDE!!

2011-07-22T12:19:00.000-04:00

I've decided that going forward I'm always going to make lists of things I want to do over a certain period of time. It's quite helpful actually, I've managed to stay focused and I've been blessed and lucky enough to be able to cross off a lot of the small goals I had on my summer wish list so far.

For many, MANY, years I've wanted to sneak away to Toronto and join the festivities of PRIDE weekend. We have (I believe) the largest gay PRIDE festival in the entire world. We even beat out NYC and San Fransisco. It's a week long thing but the only day I've ever really wanted to get to was the parade. Over a million people come out to line the streets be in gay, straight, transgender, whatever to show their support and encouragement to that community.

I've always wanted to experience it first hand but the stars have never aligned for me. I've either had the kids or been working on the weekend of the parade. This is the first year that I was able to attend. I was totally stoked. Anyone who knows me at all knows how much I love 'the gays'. With my whole heart!! I just love that for the most part these are people who just want to be themselves and not care or have to care what other's think of them. I wish every single homosexual and straight person was able to be carefree about what other's thought of them. Too often we allow other people's opinions of us to control us or inhibit us. I believe that everyone is equal and deserve the same rights. Sadly this still is not the case even in 2011.

Mayor Rob Ford's representative.

Anyway, Eric and I headed to Toronto for PRIDE. We stayed at R & A's house Saturday night and braved Toronto transit and made our way over to "Boy's Town" to start the fesitivities. It was hotter than hell out there. It was crazy busy to put it mildly. We saw every walk of life wandering the streets today. Some dressed, some wearing only what mother nature gave them. I have to pause to do a shout out to those folks. They weren't walking around flaunting their nakedness and being all 'in your face' about it. They were simply doing what the rest of us were doing, wandering around, checking out booths, eating, enjoying the day. Except without clothes. Props to them for having the courage to do that. I simply couldn't even if I wanted to. I'm just too self conscious.

We headed over to Yonge Street to watch the parade from there. It was inspiring, and the number of people both literally and figuratively took my breath away. It was insane. There were people on the roof tops and hanging out of apartment windows. There were no problems that I saw though the irony is the only two people I heard fighting at all on this day was a straight couple! But that's the sanctity of marriage for ya!! I even got free rainbow wrist bands and Eric got a free Gay Dating Site wife-beater. Free stuff and an amazing source of people watching all in one day?? How can this be beat?

Hot gay army dudes.

I was hoping to catch a glimpse of my fellow co-worker and friend Ian as he's been the Junior Leather Boy for the past year. I suspected I'd see him in the parade at some point but I wasn't sure I'd get an opportunity to speak with him as there were so many people there and trying to pick one person out of that crowd would have been unrealistic. Towards the end of the parade we did see him in the back of a SMART car wearing his sash and waving to the crowd. He didn't hear me calling his name though.

IAN!

We watched the whole parade and eventually made our way back over to Church St. to look at the booths set up before making our way back over to R & A's for a BBQ. I was starving and had to snag a sandwich of meat or I was just gonna DIE!! Eric spotted his most favourite gay Star Trek captain enroute as well. We grabbed some condoms for Gage (who really didn't appreciate our thoughtful gift!!). And low and behold! We actually ran head first into Ian coming off the parade route! So yeah!! Below are the rest of the pictures we took at PRIDE. It was loads of fun and I'm so glad we had the opportunity to experience that kind of comradering and coming together as a community. If you ever get the chance to go, you should. Mark it off of your life list of things to experience at least once!

Eric and Captain Picard (obviously gay)

Me and my meat sandwich!

Gay Soccer Club!

Me and Ian!!

Just a crazy crowd shot!

Just a Sweet Transvestite, actually Transgender, from Transilvania....

Meaty kisses

Us at PRIDE!

Cobra Clan go Camping!

2011-07-22T11:41:00.000-04:00

Gage, Derek and Eric

The last week of school I pulled the boys out of school and we took them and one of Gage's friends Derek, camping up at Rock Point Provincial Park which is only about an hour from here. The weather was a little too windy so the surf was rough and the water still too cool, but over all we had a good time.

We had campfires, and beach time. We slept in tents, in sleeping bags with NO air mattresses. We had nocturnal visitors at night that weren't terribly welcomed. A couple skunk visits and a couple racoon visits. LB paid us a visit on day two to hang out for bit as well.

Doing his most favourite thing from the whole trip!

We played cards, we hunted on the beach for drift wood firewood, we ate roasted marshmallows, hotdogs and smores, we got sunburned, we buried each other in sand, we built sand castles and a stick house complete with a full yard with furnishings, fence and pond...and we took loads of pictures!

Classy kid eating a roasted marshmallow.

However, following our camping trip, Eric's (pretty new) camera shit the bed. He seemed to be able to upload the pictures that were still on it, but for some reason his laptop keeps crapping out when he tries to load the camping photos. We took so many more pictures of our but only three are salvagable. Pretty bummed about that. I'm hoping he'll be able to save them later when he has the time and patience to work on the computer.

Anyway, I think everyone had a good time for the most part and I'm glad we were able to sneak away for a few days to spend this time together.

Sad Night at the Races

2011-07-12T13:06:00.000-04:00

Took the boys with my mom to the horse races last night and a horsey dropped dead on the track of a suspected heart attack. Typical Holly luck.

Double Take

2011-07-07T15:43:00.000-04:00

Gage didn't like his school photos this year so he never bothered to bring them home. GRRRR! On the last day of school after cleaning out his locker we found his proofs for his Grade 8 photos as well as his Graduation photos. I cannot get over how different he looks in the photos. He doesn't even look like the same kid.

The first photo was taken in the beginning of October. The second photo was taken at the beginning of February. So that's only FOUR months. What happened to my little boy??????

Another Milestone

2011-07-06T15:06:00.000-04:00

With his grad gift, Beats headphones.

June 24th my first born graduated Grade 8....I cannot begin to get a grasp on how quickly the first part of his life has flown by. It has literally just slipped through my fingers.

With his little brother.

With his mom and Eric

I'd been both dreading this day and looking so forward to it. I'm truly heartbroken that my dad wasn't able to be there. I can picture in my mind him sitting there amongst us with pride, clapping, hooting and hollering not with us, but leading us. I know everyone says he was there, but it's not the same. So that makes me sad.

On a heartwarming note Gage came to me an hour or so before we had to leave and asked me if it would be alright to bring Grandpa's pocket watch with him to the ceremony. With a smile I said of course, that's a wonderful idea. (Secretly I thought he might forget that we had previously talked about doing just that). He placed the watch gingerly in his left front pocket, right next to his heart where I know Grandpa always rests.

With his mom and dad.

We had to be at the hall a little early to ensure all the graduates were there on time and I'll be honest, I was excited to take pictures and see all of his friends dressed up. I like Gage's friends. I really truly do. They are a good group of guys, and girls for that matter. Most of them I've known since kindergarten so it was nice for me to see how far they have all come.

I had an opportunity to meet Katelyn's (his lady friend) mom, Michelle. Much to my both mine and Michelle's delight she's as tattooed as I am and very lovely to speak with. She spoke highly of Gage and commended me on doing a wonderful job with him. She said he's very polite at her house and treats Katelyn with respect. I'm SOOOO glad. I've been doing my diligent work to ensure he treats girls properly and with respect. I want him to pick up good habits when it comes to girls at an early age and I think it's probably best if it's me that teaches him those habits. It's good to have another girl's perspective on girls when you're a boy and have no idea how our sex works. :)

With his mom and Andrea.

With his lady, Katelyn.

Gage got Katelyn a wrist corsage and had bought her a blue sapphire necklace (which she wore for the grad ceremony) for her graduation gift while they were away in Quebec for their year end class trip. D'awwwww. They are so adorable.

The ceremony was quite long as there were four graduating classes, but being a mom who knows so many of these kids it didn't seem too long to me. I think I was the only one. The graduates were so supportive of one another and I'm so glad Gage got to be part of that group. The genuinely seem like a great group of kids. There didn't seem to be any cases of bullying at school this year and every seemed to be friends with everybody. That was so nice to be witness to.

Receiving his diploma.

I was filled with the typical pride a parent has when he walked across that stage to accept his diploma. But later in the evening I was overwhelmed with pride when they announced his name as the recipient of the school's "student with the most personal growth" award. I'm almost glad I had to get up and go snap a photo of him accepting the award or I likely would have burst into tears. It was at that moment I really wished my dad was there. Gage has come so far this year, I can't even begin to get my head around it. I know my dad was aware of this but I guess I just wish he was around to see Gage get recognized by the school for it. Anyway, I wanted to run over to him in front of everyone and just hug the shit out of him.

Receiving his award for Student with the most Personal Growth!!

With Aunt Anita and cousins: Sebastian and Sawyer.

With a group of boys from school.

After the ceremony as we all filed out of the hall pass the graduates I stopped to tell him how proud I was of him and he reached over and hugged me. Didn't say a word, just hugged me like he hasn't hugged me in years. So hard. His complete doing too, I didn't even request that kind of hug. I miss those hugs, but I guess because of their rarity when I get them without asking they are just that much better. I love my kid so much. I like my kid so much. I have been truly blessed. I hope I'll still be able to make those statements this time next year...after his first year of high school.

With his Grandma!

On stage after receiving diplomas.

With his four best buds, Lucas, Derek and Christian. TROUBLE!

Balloon Release

2011-07-06T14:35:00.000-04:00

My brother has a blog now...(I might have posted this already). His blog is a place for him to post his photos. He's taken up photography and is becoming better and better as time passes and with each photo he takes. Much of his captured moments are breathtaking.

My dad enjoyed photography as well and he is probably the inspiration behind Geoff picking up a camera for reasons other than just being a proud parent. My dad dabbled but never really pursued it with the same zest that Geoff has. Geoff, ideally I think, would love to be able to make a career out of it.

Anyway the point of this post is simply to share with you two photos that he happened to capture at just the right moment. I adore these photos.

Thank you for these Geoff. She is one of his favourite people (as well as mine) and he of course if one of my favourite people. A pause from the continuous busyness that normally is this duo, captured with the, split second, click of a shutter.

Battle to the Death

2011-07-06T14:31:00.000-04:00

Roan: Who do you think would win in this fight? A Lego Bionicle or Gage's lap top screen?

Mom (me): (Usually vaguely paying attention) Hmm....Bionicle?

Mom's are ALWAYS right! Bionicle 1 - Laptop 0

Tick Tock

2011-07-06T14:25:00.000-04:00

The other day when Gage took his shirt off to go swimming, I caught a glimpse of something on his back that didn't seem right to me. It looked like a mole that should really be removed. It looked unhealthy and worrisome. As I got a closer look I realized I wasn't looking at a cancerous mole, but a tick that had embedded itself into Gage's back. Uh...GROSS.

So with much relief and delight, my friend Heather stepped up to the task of removing this disgusting creature from my son's back. She came armed with tweezers, Q-Tips and Peroxide. She seemed like an old pro at it. So after Gage stopped screaming and freaking out like a girl (who can blame him really), she carefully got the tweezers around the tick's body and she slowly began to pull and eventually, though with much resistance, she was able to remove the tick along with a chunk of Gage skin still in the tick's mouth. Uh...DOUBLE GROSS.

Of course Gage was worried and freaked out about Lyme Disease, but Heather reassured him that only the Deer Ticks carry that disease and this was in fact a Dog Tick. Who knew? I also read that they have to be embedded for about 24 hours before they can pass the disease on to a human. We suspected it had been there for about that time frame, but LB pointed out to me that an engorged tick is actually quite large and doesn't even look like a tick once engorged. Clearly we weren't at that stage yet, so I'm relieved. But probably not as much as Gage is.

In the Night Sky

2011-07-05T20:21:00.000-04:00

I have a very sweet little boy.
Last night Roan asked us if we could help him set up his telescope that he got for Christmas from Grandma and Grandpa. So of course we obliged.

I come to find out a little bit later, as he's hugging me, that he secretly hopes he'll be able to see Grandpa, through his telescope, up in the night sky.

Sometimes it's really hard for me to keep it together.

Summer Wishes Update!

2011-06-30T17:48:00.010-04:00

An update of my summer time wish list. More blogs to post soon when I have some spare time. Lots of pictures to talk about...

1. Take the kids to the beach at least once.
2. Watch as Roan scores his first goal in soccer.
3. Spend more time with my extended family (on both sides).
4. ~~Have more dinners with friends~~. (5)
5. ~~Take the boys camping for a few days by a beach. (Separate from #1).~~
6. ~~Finish the work we started around the yard.~~
7. Put up a fence, and increase my patio space.
8. ~~Have friends over often for beer on the patio.~~
9. Get to an amusement park at least once with the boys.
10. Get to an amusement park at least once with adults.
11. Break out a spontaneous soccer game with the boys and their friends.
12. ~~Be a soccer mom twice each Saturday.~~
13. ~~Go to BINGO at least once with Lesley.~~
14. ~~Take in a summer concert.~~
15. ~~Take the boys to the racetrack (horses, not cars).~~
16. ~~Take lots of pictures.~~
17. ~~Play hookie from work for a day.~~
18. ~~Get my left arm tattoo started~~/completed.
19. Get a pedicure or two.
20. Spend a morning or afternoon at the spa.
21. ~~See Gage graduate from Grade 8~~
22. Save money for next years vacations.
23. Go down a water slide.
24. ~~Get a sunburn (not a bad one, just for some more freckles and that sunkissed look.)~~
25. ~~Go fishing with my kids.~~
26. Camping or cottage with friends.
27. ~~Go garagesale-ing with Margaret.~~
28. ~~Go to the drive-in.~~
29. Go for bike rides.
30. Go on a road trip. Even if it is just a day.
31. Go for walks through the neighbourhood in the evenings.
32. ~~Say hello more often to all of my neighbours~~.
33. ~~Laugh so hard I cry. And maybe pee a little.~~
34. ~~Sit by a fire.~~
35. ~~Jump on the trampoline with Roan.~~
36. ~~Teach Roan how to do a back flip.~~
37. ~~Sleep in.~~
38. ~~Read an awesome book or two or three.~~
39. ~~Drive a go-cart.~~
40. ~~Hike in the gorge.~~
41. Go to the Zoo.
42. Go to Merrittville Speedway.
43. Make a kitty tower.
44. ~~Witness Gage take the Gold medal in track.~~
45. ~~Go to the PRIDE parade~~.
46. ~~Go for a Ghost Tour.~~

Picture People

2011-06-21T20:53:00.000-04:00

So I posted below a picture of the Luminary bag my cousin Keane drew to represent the siblings in memory of my dad. I mentioned that I wanted to message Keane to find out the meaning behind the drawings and who each one 'stood' for. He replied to my request.

So here is the story behind the idea:

The idea was Keane's but the answers for the symbolism lay with his mom, my aunt Gay. Having just returned from a Zen type retreat in BC (I'm sure that does not nearly sum up the magnitude of what it was), he walked her through a brief meditation to quiet her mind and then he had her write whatever word comes to mind as he said the name of each of her siblings. He then took those words and drew them as images. The images surrounded the one that stood for my dad with interconnections between all of them that then completed the pictures.

Kit - reading (the book)
Nadine - baking (the oven)
Lana - smoking (the cigarettes)
Tim - quiet (the mouse)
Laura - dancing (the foot)
Sheila - talking (the phone)
Michelle - laughing (the spiral design)
Terry - singing (the bird)
Gabrielle - courageous (the lion)

My aunt refused to say a word for herself so Keane came up with something himself and it was 'lion', because he sees her as courageous and strong. And he's so right. He suggested they may seem like shallow interpretations of people but if these are the words my aunt's subconscious brought forward then there's got to be deeper meaning in them for sure. Perhaps, these are related to fond or strong memories she associates with everyone?

I love my aunt and cousin even more for being willing to do this for us.

It's funny because I guessed the book right! The book was my dad!

A Gold for my Golden Boy

2011-06-21T19:56:00.000-04:00

Last Monday was just, yet again, another day I wish my dad was here.

Not sure what prompted him, but this year Gage decided to try out for Track at school. It turns out he is quite good at it. Good enough that he managed to place in the City-wide competition and move on to Regionals.

He placed in 100m and 200m. We should have been able to include Relay in that list as well, but their team got disqualified after one of the runners foot went out of their lane briefly.

I was fortunate enough to be able to take the day off from work and go with him to the Regionals to watch him race. The deal was that he had to place in the first heat for each race and then if successful he would move on to the final race. There were 5 sets of 8 for the 100m race and 4 sets of 8 for the 200m. All of the first place winners were guaranteed spots in the final race and then the rest to qualify were based on actual times.

After all the 100m races it turns out that Gage had the fastest time out of 40 kids. He also placed in the 200m as well but I think he might have had the fifth fastest time out of 32 kids.

As he prepped for his final races it was clear he was getting tired. It was a long, hot day. We had a pep talk and he decided that he could endure 12-13 seconds of pain if his Grandpa could endure all the pain he had gone through at the end of his life.

So as he walked away from me to run, he turned and said, "For Grandpa, mom!" and gave me the thumbs up. He ran for my dad...he walked away with the Gold medal. I can't tell you how proud I was of him. My heart was overflowing. I was a blubbery, excited mess. He placed 5th in the 200m, but by then, I think he was quite content with his pretty gold.

I Walk For Kit

2011-06-18T23:52:00.149-04:00

No one in our family has had any real motivation to participate in these ever popular cancer awareness walks until this year. So of course, we were complete newbies. I laugh because we thought we were all prepared and that was so far from the case! When we first got to the site we noticed how elaborate some of the other teams had made their homebase. (Ours was a double lot because we had two teams so we had extra pressure to represent. Little did we know...) Some of them were inspiring and amazing. Ours consisted of Uncle Paul and Roan sitting in an empty double wide lot. That's it. Not even a chair! It was a sight to see and I'm sad we didn't get a quick snapshot of the absurdness.

We were told a couple of days before the walk that they did some themed walks throughout the night. I'm disappointed that we didn't find out until it was nearly too late. Some of the themes were Superhero (I thought with time my brother would have majorly represented), crazy hats, 80's, movie star, etc. We only had time to pull together some crazy hats. Here's Eric with my sweet Dollar Store find. Next year I think we'll better represent.

Roan, Eric and I worked on decorating a paper bag that housed a votive candle. They used these "luminaries" to line the path and to honour the cancer victim or survivor. So we did one for my dad. My cousin Keane designed one to be from the siblings as well. It consisted of 9 different symbols/emblems that represent the nine siblings. (I need to touch base with him to find out what they mean and which one belongs to which sibling.)

Dawn, my mom, Lesley, Roan and myself also worked on a large banner/flag for us to proudly hold during our family march. I'm not gonna lie, it's the second attempt after I experienced an epic fail when I spelled our last name wrong on the first one. D'oh! Thirty-six and a half years with this name and clearly I have a problem spelling it slowly and under pressure with permanent marker! It was good for a laugh and I know my dad would have found it funny too.

Us against Cancer

My aunt Gabrielle had t-shirts made up for our team, as you can see in the photos posted. We had people bringing a couple of tents, air mattresses, chairs, and snacks for us to munch on through the night. We thought we were so prepared, but it was blatantly obvious that we were the newbies on site. Some of the set ups were so magnificent and elaborate. We paled in comparison. We weren't even seasoned enough to know we would need flashlights for crying out loud. Strange that we didn't realize this earlier, as it was an event that went through the night.


Uncle Marc and Eric outside a Breast Cancer Survivor site

Aunt Sheila outside of Ruby's Army's site.

Part way through the evening my cousin Tara came to our rescue and brought us reserves. She brought us a fire pit, solar lights, bug zappers, flashlights, coffee, blankets, etc. We've vowed (after stealing other people's ideas) to make next year way better. Dawn and I were even thinking of an 80's prom theme where we'll walk in tacky, taffeta prom dresses reminiscent of the '80s. Not truly my dad's era, but fun for the rest of us. He appreciated lame shit like that.

I was so proud of my Aunt Nadine and Uncle Larry for coming to the walk to offer us their support. It's extremely difficult for both of them to walk any sort of distances now, but they walked for my dad and then stayed for a bit to offer us their moral support. She is my dad's older sister, the only one as all the rest are younger sisters and my uncle grew up across the street from the Rousseau's and eventually married one. So he's probably the only person still in my dad's life that he'd known longer than his own family. I'm so grateful they found the strength.

Josh and Eric

We had an over all good time with all of the family. Some stayed with us right through the night (THANK YOU!!) and some came and visited, walked and went (THANK YOU!!). It was so nice to see everyone again. I love to hear stories about my dad growing up, they keep him vivid and present. It was nice to hear that others are still struggling as I do. It reinforces to me that I'm (and our immediate family) are not alone in our sorrow. It's nice to know that they didn't all just go back to their lives after the initial loss and return to normal. It's nice to know they still think of him often, are overcome with tears at inopportune times just like me and that they are still sad.

Alison, Adam and Becca

Roan and Eric

As night fell and Dawn and I continued to walk we paused three times so Dawn could light the luminary bags for our dad. I'm not sure why something so 'trivial' seemed so important, but it was. I hope he could see the lights and I hope he knew we were doing this all for him. It was nice walking the path, just me and her for him. We did, however, eventually stumbled upon a hidden gem (albeit a little off course)....the concession stand inside (the civic centre on sight) and discovered they had fries and gravy and nachos and cheese. So just a minor side step and then back to the walking.

Roan AKA Moonlight (the Superhero as dubbed by Captain America)

After total darkness, Roan became infatuated with all the glow sticks and made it his mission to see how many he could scam out of the volunteers, family and complete strangers. I deem he was greatly successful. He then spent numerous laps trailing some dude dressed as Captain America, probably inundating him with the most absurd questions and stories. Hopefully to his delight and not chagrin.

Eric being well...Eric!

And of course, once Eric got his hands on a glow stick, one of the first questions he posed was if I thought he could fit it through his old septum piercing. Much to his delight and my young cousins' (Becca and Jordyn) chagrin, he was successful!! I think he should have done an entire lap like that.

Cole and Roan

Roan came with us to walk. Gage wasn't able to come as he wasn't going to be getting back from his Grade 8 end of year school trip until 9 p.m. I couldn't believe that Roan walked that circuit as often as he did. He didn't stop moving until I forced him to lay down to try and get some sleep around 4:30 a.m. He walked the path, he ran the path, he played games with Sawyer, he scammed glow sticks, he pal'd around with Cole, and he ate cookies.

The above is a picture of a bunch of the luminary bags in the shape of a heart. Our two decorated bags are up in the top left lobe (right on the screen). Sadly I didn't get a picture of it lit up at night as it looked pretty. But we did get a picture of HOPE and a couple of the lined pathways.

We spent a lot of time between walking hanging out around the 'camp fire', laughing, telling stories and singing. The entertainment provided was not even mediocre. It was painful and lacked any sort of talent what's so ever. We still haven't figured out where they found these people. Needless to say, they provided us with our own form of entertainment.

But I'll close with perhaps the best word only t-shirt I've ever read (sorry no picture):

"These boobs are fake. My real ones tried to kill me."

Cancer, you may have taken someone extremely important to all of us, but you will NOT break us. Go fuck yourself.

She goes for a walk and rides a roller coaster.

2011-06-18T23:00:00.001-04:00

I've been dreading this weekend since April 9th. Our first Father's Day. An empty Father's Day. I felt it was somewhat appropriate that we, as a family, united together to walk in the Relay for Life Cancer Walk in dad's honour on Friday night. I was looking forward to doing the walk, as well as spending time with our extended family. I thought it was going to be lots of fun, and at points it, for sure, was. We managed to raise just under five thousand dollars in his name for this walk. That's amazing and I'm humbled once again at the support I, and my family, have received from so many.

What I didn't expect was the wave of emotions I experienced during the night. At the beginning of the walk, they had a separate "survivor's walk" to start the event. We all lined the path and those who have cancer or are survivor's of cancer adorned yellow shirts and lead a parade through throngs of people clapping and hooting for them. Myself included. I stood there, eventually overwhelmed in my own silence, at the numbers of yellow shirts. Not because there were tons of them, but in my opinion, there were not enough. And there was certainly one specific person wearing one of those yellow shirts who was noticeably absent.

I was overcome with a feeling of admiration and wonder. Admiration knowing those people in front of me had been dealt a shitty blow and still they managed to work through it and come out on the other side. The remission side, the celebratory side. I was also struck with curiosity of how they mentally dealt with the whole situation. Probably because in my own grief I seem to be stuck on the continuous wonder of how my dad felt mentally about his situation. I wonder if he was scared (I am pretty sure I already know this answer but I'm sad he never felt he could truly speak of it). I vividly remember the look on his face when they told him he had maybe two days left. It far outweighs the look on his face when they first told him he had cancer.

After being surprised with those feelings, I was immediately overwhelmed with a feeling of jealousy and envy. Jealous because my dad didn't get a fair chance. Jealous that these people got to walk beside "their" survivor in support. Envy because we had no one who could wear the yellow shirt. I miss my dad. More than I ever thought possible.

I was on the continuous verge of tears the entire night and many times, the tears won. At one point I had a complete break down and had to walk away from the event area and go find a private spot with Eric just to try to regain my composure. Just walking the path could set me off. Spending time with my dad's family set me off. Hearing their stories set me off. Getting hugs from them set me off. They are one step closer to my dad for me.

It was only a walk but it was also an emotional roller coaster for me. One I never considered I'd be riding last night. I suppose it's healthy in my grief journey. I know I hold in my thoughts and emotions for the most part and I keep pushing the whole thing to the back of my mind so I don't have to feel the pain. Yesterday and last night I was overcome with emotional pain.

I'm sad and I'm angry and I'm hurting. I'm tired, already, of trying to find the silver linings. The silver linings that help me process everything that's happened. They help me temporarily but the unknown, the uncertainty, the fear, the loss, the look on his face....they all continue to haunt me. They peek through the silver linings. They seem to be winning.

Always Coca Cola, Always My Dad.

2011-06-12T21:43:00.000-04:00

For my dad. Happy Father's Day.

(A father's day gift I'd rather not give.)

Epic Failure

2011-06-12T21:40:00.000-04:00

Today we had so many fun things planned for the day and we didn't seem to find success in any of them.

First we headed off to the go-karts for an hour of fun before Gage's soccer game . We managed 5-6 laps before a group of older teens came on to the course and were acting like assholes, bumping and passing and just plain being dicks. At one point, after side swiping me and hitting my car, one of them smashed into the back of Eric. When he looked around to see who the culprit was he found this tool and Gage (though he didn't realize it was Gage at the time). Not being sure who actually hit his car, he got pissed and demanded they be kicked off the track. Sadly I think there was some confusion but it still cut Gage's time on the track short.

Roan however, seemed to have a total blast. It was his first time riding in a go-kart alone let alone driving one. He did awesome. We let him finish all his laps while we waited with Gage.
I had gotten out of my car after seeing Eric lunge after the asshole teenager in the middle of the track. I didn't need to be bailing him out of jail. Thankfully, Eric's friend works there and was on the situation immediately. It all ended peacefully I suppose.

This is a picture of me prepping myself for my go-kart experience. A sweet hairnet and helmet. Unbeknownst to me when Eric asked me to pose for the picture I happened to make the exact same pose as the gorilla behind me. Funny...

This was while everything was still fun, fun, FUN!

After we left the Go-karts, we headed over to Canadian Tire to pick up fishing licenses for Eric and myself. Later today we had plans to take the boys on a Salmon fishing charter on Lake Ontario.

We then made our way over to the soccer field only to discover that Gage's 'make up' game for being rained out last week was canceled and they are planning to 'make up' the 'make up' game. So plan number two ruined as well.

The above picture is a fishing lure that Eric created and planned to use in hopes of warning the fish not to fall for delicious looking lures.

Once we got to Port Dalhousie and met up with the Captain and the Skipper it was decided that the weather wasn't really co-operating with us and it was in our best interest that we reschedule our afternoon for a day when the winds and waters were calmer. I wasn't complaining! July sounds like a much nicer month to go on a fishing charter anyway.

So since we were in Port and it took us a while to find a parking spot we thought we'd wander up the dock and take in a little of the day. By the time we got to the end of the dock my feet were soaked from the waves coming up onto the path and I was cold. Just as well we didn't get out in the middle of the lake on a boat. I'd have been miserable. So we took some pictures and watched the boys make asses out of themselves. Always entertaining. Then we headed back to the car, but not before stopping for ice-cream.

Me clearly not being able to eat ice-cream and drive at the same time.

Texting Teen

2011-06-12T21:06:00.000-04:00

This is pretty much how you'll also find my kid now. The funny thing is, right after Eric took this picture he walked into the large floor sign in front of him because he had his head down sending sweet nuthin's to his lady friend. Sadly, THAT was not caught on camera.

Oh, here he is again, doing what he does best. Ignoring us while we wait for dinner.

Porch Safety

2011-06-12T21:02:00.001-04:00

Lately we've been doing work around the outside of the house. Well, mainly Eric has. But I buy the stuff, so I'll include myself in that statement. I also cleaned up my gardens, laid mulch and planted flowers, so I'm not entirely useless. Though my poor Forget Me Nots that someone gave to us when my dad passed away have also passed away themselves. I'm hoping I can revive them, but if not, I'll have to go buy some more...

Anywho, you've already seen pictures of the shed. And soon I'd like to be able to post pictures of it painted all lovely like and matching my house. I'd also like to be able to state that the back fence has been repaired and re-installed but so far I can't. What I can announce right now though is how amazing my new porch railing looks, although it, too, is not complete. Eric just has to nail down the very top boards, as you'll see in the picture (the boards that give it a completed/finished look), cut the posts down so they are all even and I'll grab some post caps this week to complete the whole task.

Next up, finishing the projects we have started (as mentioned above), and working out a price quote for the fencing I want him to do next to make my backyard completely private and thus giving us some extra patio space to further enjoy beers on.

Broken Boy

2011-06-12T20:51:00.000-04:00

Oh yes he did....my nephew Sebastian broke his ankle this weekend while jumping on his trampoline. I feel terrible for him. We've suffered through three broken bones all in different summers in this household and it's never convenient or fun. I'm hoping he'll be able to get an air cast for swimming and walking but I don't know if those are possible for a break on a part of your body that you rely on to hold weight.

So to my most favourite nephew in the whole world... feel better soon buddy! I love you and don't want you to be broken.

Kind to the Kitties

2011-06-12T20:38:00.000-04:00

Last night Roan decided to design a new kitty structure for our brood of 5 feline friends. The first one he designed would have taken up our entire bay window (5 panes of glass). I thought it might be a little excessive so I asked him to pare it down a little and he came up with the following drawing. It's gonna be pretty sweet for the cats.

After he did the drawing, Roan and I watched a show about the worlds nicest cars and during that time Eric decided to model the drawing in Sketchup so he could sort out exactly how to make this thing. It's gonna be pretty amazing. We have a lot of the wood left over after doing the railing and the shed, my dad has a bunch of wood pieces in his work shop as well and any extras we can just pick up. I have some carpeting left in storage at work that we will use to give them a couple of scratch posts and I'm sure we can find something to use for the hammock-like stations.

I think it's gonna be fun to build, I hope Roan doesn't lose interest too quickly.

Soccer Saturdays

2011-06-12T20:30:00.000-04:00

So this summer our Saturdays are going to consist of two soccer games a day as Roan has decided he's old enough to try it again. We will also have practices on Wednesday and Thursday nights too. (Groan, to the practices)

Roan has played two games thus far and during the last game he thought he might try being a goalie and he actually faired pretty well. He let one in but stopped many. I think he's going to stick to doing that for a while to see if he can hone those skills a little.

At this age group, his games so far are a little more boring than Gage's as it basically consists of a glob of kids chasing a ball. There is no real skill set or structure to their games, though I will admit it is far better than two years ago when it was just utterly painful to watch Roan's games.

We did find it highly entertaining last week watching a kid lose his shit after two goals got past him (even though he'd saved at least 20) and then his father coddling him. That doesn't happen too often with the older kids when we watch Gage play.

This Saturday we were watching my cousin Melinda's daughter Claire for the day while they went golfing in honour of my dad. Clearly Roan's soccer game was exhausting even to watch. It's tough being the #1 fan.

Summertime Rolls

2011-06-11T20:58:00.005-04:00

After reading my sister-in-law's blog, I've found some inspiration from her Lovin' Summer update. I too am stoked that the nice weather is finally here. I have found in the past year or so just how much I enjoy sitting out on my back patio until the mosquitos come out and even sometimes after they're out. I love eating my dinner at my patio table. I love BBQ and smelling my neighbours BBQ'd dinners as they cook. I love that it stays light out past nine o'clock. I love that my yard and garden looks nice. I just love the smell in the air and the sounds of summer. I love that I have so many more options.

So, with that in mind, I am also going to write my summer wishlist. I plan to come back to this list in September, to see how much I actually got done. Some of these are the same as Anita's. (Her last two blog updates actually make me think we are basically the same person.)

1. Take the kids to the beach at least once.
2. Watch as Roan scores his first goal in soccer.
3. Spend more time with my extended family (on both sides).
4. Have more dinners with friends. (2)
5. ~~Take the boys camping for a few days by a beach. (Separate from #1).~~
6. ~~Finish the work we started around the yard.~~
7. Put up a fence, and increase my patio space.
8. Have friends over often for beer on the patio.
9. Get to an amusement park at least once with the boys.
10. Get to an amusement park at least once with adults.
11. Break out a spontaneous soccer game with the boys and their friends.
12. Be a soccer mom twice each Saturday.
13. ~~Go to BINGO at least once with Lesley.~~
14. Take in a summer concert.
15. Take the boys to the racetrack (horses, not cars).
16. Take lots of pictures.
17. ~~Play hookie from work for a day.~~
18. Get my left arm tattoo started/completed.
19. Get a pedicure or two.
20. Spend a morning or afternoon at the spa.
21. See Gage graduate from Grade 8
22. Save money for next years vacations.
23. Go down a waterslide.
24. ~~Get a sunburn (not a bad one, just for some more freckles and that sunkissed look.)~~
25. Go fishing with my kids.
26. Camping or cottage with friends.
27. Go garagesale-ing with Margaret.
28. Go to the drive-in.
29. Go for bike rides.
30. Go on a road trip. Even if it is just a day.
31. Go for walks through the neighbourhood in the evenings.
32. Say hello more often to all of my neighbours.
33. Laugh so hard I cry. And maybe pee a little.
34. ~~Sit by a fire.~~
35. Jump on the trampline with Roan.
36. Teach Roan how to do a backflip.
37. ~~Sleep in.~~
38. Read an awesome book or two or three.
39. ~~Drive a go-cart.~~
40. Hike in the gorge.
41. Go to the Zoo.
42. Go to Merrittville Speedway.
43. Make a kitty tower.
44. ~~Witness Gage take the Gold medal in track.~~
45. Go to the PRIDE parade.

I think that's it for now. I may add to this list throughout the summer as things pop into my head. That's enough goals to get me started anyway.
So here's to a great summer. It's gotta be better than this past spring.

I'm not real good at sharing...

2011-06-01T15:34:00.000-04:00

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts? Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts. And we are just breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

Could it be? Am I sharing his heart with another girl?

Siamese Snuggle-buddies

2011-05-30T13:02:00.000-04:00

I couldn't resist. How awesome are these cats!!??

Mystery Box = Family Fun Time!

2011-05-30T13:01:00.000-04:00

I meant to post a picture of this a while ago, and I guess I had thought I already did. But looking back through my posts I now see I have made a GRAVE oversight. Below is the science project that Gage had using Hydrolics and whatever the -olics is that uses air. Pneu something I think. Anyway, it was a family affair utilizing some skills of Eric (mainly), mine (mostly just my financial investment) and Gage's.

Gage decided he wanted to do the Mystery Box from the Call of Duty Video games (Zombie maps) and the hydrolics would be what he used to push the teddy bear up through the top of the box. If you don't currently play COD then you won't get the symbolism of the teddy bear, but whatever. It was a BRILLIANT idea and one Eric and I ran with. We picked up accessories to glue down to help decorate the box that are also symbolic of the video game. This picture is missing the final piece of the puzzle, the cymbal monkey. We were still letting the paint dry, so just envision a cymbal monkey in that empty space.

When we were done I think we were all quite pleased with the end result. Gage walked away with an 82% on it. I'm pretty sure it will take up residence on his shelf in his room with his other video game trinkets.

Shedgar to the Second Degree

2011-05-30T12:50:00.000-04:00

So here's an updated photo of our ~~little~~ adequately sized pretty ~~box~~ shed. It's just about finished now. The shingles are up and all Eric has left to do is one final board of 'siding' on the back of the building. Then, it's PAINTING time! I think for now I'll paint it white with black trim and a red door. Just like my house! I know, adorable isn't it?

I'm so proud of Eric. He designed it, sorted out the materials required to construct it, did up a spread sheet with the costs of the entire project and then built it! He's so handy, my man. He's already been approached by a neighbour to build one for them as well. Good job honey!!

EA$Y & RO@N!

2011-05-30T12:45:00.000-04:00

I found the above assignment the other day while I was cleaning up. I tend to go through all of Roan's work from school as there seems to always be a hidden gem in there somewhere.

Just to catch you up before I make my comment...Eric goes by the nickname EA$Y and has for as long as I've known him and probably for years prior to that. He has it tattooed on his knuckles so Roan is also well aware of this alterego of Eric's.

After reading the above assignment of Roan's, if there was ever a doubt in Eric's mind as to how much Roan idolizes him it should be gone now. Maybe constantly thinking about stuff like this will help to extend Eric's patience with Roan and his forgetfulness.

Big Brothers SUCK!!

2011-05-30T12:40:00.001-04:00

Enough said.

An Amazing Decade

2011-05-27T15:22:00.000-04:00

I can't believe the last time I had my own little itty bitty baby, to cradle in my arms, was ten years ago. I am finding it really hard to grasp that a decade has gone by already. Roan has turned 10 now and I'm finding myself longing for the little 6 month old version of him to return. Because I've written a letter for Gage around his birthday I find it only fair to do the same for Roan. I've not shown Gage his letter and at this point I don't plan to. It is my hope that one day when they are older and feel so inclined to learn more about their mother that they'll be able to go through this blog and catch of glimpse of the person I am and was outside of just being their mom. But for now, this letter is to Roan and what it has meant for me to be HIS mom.

Dear Roanie:

Roanie. Roan Balogne. Roanie Balognie. I can still call you all of those things because you're only 10. Only 10. Wow. Ten. Double digits. I knew this day would come, I guess I just never expected it to feel like it's flown by.

Monday, May 21, 2001. Victoria Day. I worked until 5 p.m. My last day prior to going off on maternity leave. You were due on the 24th. I still had a few days to prepare. I was wrong. You came early. I remember everything to do with actually having you that night. I know 'they' say the second childbirth is always easier than the first and of course I was skeptical, but they were right. You were so much easier coming into this world than your brother. For me anyway. I remember thinking how appropriate it was that you were 7 lbs, 11 oz. since a regular hangout in your dad's and my teen years was 7-11. But what I remember most of all was looking into your brilliant face and meeting you for the very first time. I remember being afraid that I wasn't going to be able to love you like I loved Gage and being so glad that I was SO wrong. I felt an instant bond to you. I was immediately in love.

I remember the days to follow when I would feed you and just cry. Cry from the obvious influx of hormones but cry because you were so amazingly beautiful and precious and small and mine. Mine to protect and take care of. That uncertainty and fear that I wouldn't be successful in ensuring you remained safe in life. I'm sure every parent feels it at some point. I could sit and stare at you for hours on end. We spent many early morning hours alone together in a quiet house while everyone else slept. Just you and me, keeping each other company. You were the cutest baby I had ever laid eyes on.

You were a cuddly baby, unlike your brother. How I loved the feeling when you would nuzzle your face into my neck. Everything about you... You fit perfectly into my arms like they were made for you and you were made for me. When you started to smile, it was the best smile in the world. It was an untainted smile. And man, your belly laughs would melt my heart. They still do. I loved how much you loved your brother and how he could make you laugh when no one else could. I loved hearing you call for me even if it was in the middle of the night. The sound of the word "mom" in your little voice was music to my ears. I miss your little pitter patter and watching you toddle around the house.

You are my sensitive child. The one who wears his heart on his sleeve. The one who shows his love no matter what. The one who only sees the good in me, in all of your family (expect for Gage). You are one person who's love I will never question. You tell me and show me all the time. I hope I do you the same justice. Your sensitivity is what frightens me though. I worry that I'll be unable to protect you from the disappointments in life.
You are my child that will face uphill battles with a disorder you never deserved to inherit. I will fight everyone and everything each step of the way to ensure your life is made as simple as possible so you have just as many opportunities as the rest of the world. I don't want you to have to struggle through things the way your father had to growing up. There are means and solutions we can take advantage of to better your way of life and as your mother and protector I will ensure you have them. No one will ever love another human being like a mother loves her child. No man will ever understand the bond a mother shares with her child. And no one without their own children will ever understand the burning need a mother has to protect her child at all costs. Mothers sacrifice so many things in their own lives to ensure their children are happy and content and it's hard for us to cut the ties that bind. I may be guilty of being too easy on you but you're mine and I have every right to be easy and no one will take that away from me. And what I cherish the most about you right now in life, is that you still want to hug and kiss me goodnight.

I look to you and admire who you are already and you're only 10. You are a wonderful friend. A friend to everyone, no matter what. You do not judge and you are not cruel. You are helpful and kind. You are a good kid. There is nothing malicious about you. You don't do things just to hurt another person. It bothers me though that because you are these ways you generally expect that others are as well and I know in life, that's going to come back to bite you from time to time. You take people at face value and have a hard time seeing past their words to read their actual meanings.

You are my imagination boy. You are full of stories, and images, and dreams and hopes. I love that most about you. You still see the world through the eyes of a child though occasionally the 'real' world sneaks in once in a while. You are inquisitive by nature. You ask question after question until you can grasp the answer to the best of your ability. There are many times when this can lead to frustration on both your part and for the person you are questioning, but I never want you to stop asking your questions. For it is at that point that we'll have lost you. The questions and always wanting to learn is who you are. I am proud of your abilities to draw and I hope you never lose the desire to make art in whatever form you deem best. I hope you continue to try to better yourself and don't get caught up on a negative self image. You are already so good, it is obvious that you'll only get better with age and time.

You may forget things from time to time and have to be reminded quite often to do things, but deep in your heart you are a good soul and that's all that's really truly important. Your limitations can be frustrating, I won't lie, but I understand it's out of your control and I'm doing my best to remain level headed and understanding of your disorder. I'm trying to teach other people in your life to do the same. It's not as easy for them, like it is for me. It all goes back to that comment above about the tie between a mother and child... But rest assured I will never allow someone to put you down or intentionally make you feel bad about yourself and what life has handed you. I will not fully understand what you go through each day, but I will do my best to support you in every way possible while you go through it.

You are a good boy. A great boy. Aside from the odd struggle we have with your ADD, you are an easy boy. You don't deliberately do things to get into trouble. You want to do right by me at all times and make me smile and laugh. You are always eager to please. I don't ever want to see you berate yourself and critique yourself. I want you to know how amazing you are, in all ways. You're learning coping skills right now and provided you can get a grasp on what that entails, you are going to do so well in life.

I am most proud of you. I was so proud of you when Grandpa was sick in the hospital and I'm so proud of how you've dealt with his untimely death and how you've helped me work through my grief as well as stayed true to your own. He was also so proud of you and loved you will every fibre of his being and I can only pray that you will never forget him. I hope you grow up to be just like him. You already have so much in common.

So to my baby boy, these past 10 years have been wonderful with you in my life. We've crossed a few struggles along the way and you've taught me to be a better more patient person and mother with each step. You've taught me that the little things don't really matter and there isn't any use getting stressed or upset by them. You've taught me how important it is to make time, find time to do the silly mundane things we, as adults, take for granted. You've taught me to enjoy things that wouldn't normally peak my interest but just because you like them. You make the time we spend together better.

I hope in my heart that you continue on the path you are currently and you remain a good person, who loves everyone. I hope you never lose your zest for knowledge or your desire to draw. I hope the little things will always excite you. And I hope you always see past people's faults and continue to love them with your whole heart despite our flaws. I hope I never disappoint you and I want you to know I will always be with you. I promise to cover your back, fight any battle along side you, wipe your tears, listen when you need to talk, look for the answers to your questions I don't know, kiss away your pain, hug you every day and make sure you always know how much I love you and adore you. I can't wait for the next decade together.

Love you so very much,
Mom
-x-o-x-

Run Gage Run!

2011-05-26T10:02:00.001-04:00

A month or so ago Gage participated in Track & Field with his school and won 1st place in 100m and 200m dash. These wins propelled him on to a citywide Track and Field day where he competed with all the schools in Niagara Falls. Knowing he was progressing on he wanted some specific Nike track shoes. I agreed to get these 'magical' shoes for him as his graduation gift because I'm sure you can imagine, they weren't cheap. He believed that they would make him run faster. That's obvious isn't it?

Anyway, yesterday was the citywide Track & Field meet and Gage was there running the 100m, 200m and Relay Race. He walked away at the end of the day placing in all three. First in 100, second in 200 and the Prince Philip team finished first in Relay. I'm a proud mom. He did so good! Maybe those shoes were the cincher!

Next he moves on to DSBN on Monday, June 13th to compete against schools throughout the Region who placed as well. I think I'll take a lieu day that day and go watch the races.